Peace will win and Fear will lose

I feel like my life is like a drama series. At the beginning of the season you see the final scene and the rest of the episodes are dedicated to explaining the course of events that lead to the final moments. Only this isn’t not fiction, this is the truth.

It has been almost three weeks since my mom passed. The most painful time that I can remember and can’t wait to forget. Along with the normal grieving and informing people that she has passed. I’ve had the sole job of cleaning out our house and trying to make it a place where my daughter and I can feel peace and call home.

I had no idea my mother was a hoarder. Now you’d think since we’ve lived together for thirteen years I would’ve noticied, but I guess I was convienantly oblivious.

I’ve spend most of the past few weeks throwing stuff out, trying to sell stuff and making a huge pile for 1800-got-junk to haul off. Its cathardic actually, the purging of the past allowing space for the future.

Along with the cleaning, is the business end of death, name changes, bank accounts, bills, you know the fun stuff. The stuff that takes time and requires a death certificate in order to complete. The death certificate. Just typing it makes my stomach hurt. As I have been cleaning out my mothers documents, I have come across the death certificiates of both my grandmothers and my father. Ouch. Now the proper time has passed and I began the process of obtaining my mothers paperwork so that we can move forward legally and yada yada.

The plan was to have my application for the certificate filled out. Check. How many copies I needed. Check. The exact amount of cash need per certificate. Check. I was going to hand in my packet of info to the clerk at the public health department and she’d hand me documents which I planned to never look at but have in an envelope ready for when I needed them. Yea well that plan, didn’t exactly go as planned.

I got the office as planned, but when I requested such documents I was told they didn’t exist. Hmmmm that’s strange… Ok, So I called Loma Linda Medical school to find out what the hold up was (now if you are just tuning in, prior to my mothers passing her DOCTOR asked my brother and I if we would be willing to donate her body to science).

So, the school doesn’t have her, try the medical center morgue they tell me. Um, ok but wasn’t this supposed have happened weeks ago? Nevertheless, I contact the morgue. The woman on who ran the program confirmed that yes my mother was there waiting to be claimed by her next of kin (me) and then given directions on what mortuary to be sent to.

What the actual fuck???? What happened to the donation? I cried (literally). I never received that paperwork she responded (who fucked that up, I wonder??) “WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME??????? I screamed into the phone. “I was waiting for you to contact me, family members usually do within 72 hours” stated the mortican. Hold up, 72 hours after death would have been the 26th of March. This was the 10th of April. Breathe. I hung up the phone now unable to talk. My right mind knows that the body that lay in the morgue was not my mother, but see it still IS my mother to ME. At this point I have to call on one of my angels (a friend) that works for the county to investigate.

Protocol at LLMC morgue is after 72 hours if a body isn’t claimed by the next of kin, a letter is sent out to the family stating that the body will be turned over to the county 10 days after death if arrangements have not been made. Did I receive a letter? No. Once the body is turned over to the county they will creamate and then search the deceased estate to cover funds and fees and etc. Ok so, I can’t access my mothers trust that states that all real property belongs to me until I get a death certificate. But I can’t get a death certificate until the county gets reimbursed all the fees and costs they’ve incurred. So in theory, my house could have a lien put against it, my mothers trust would be frozen, and I am finanically screwed. Oh, did I mention I never received any type of communication from the morgue or ANYONE at LLMC???? Had I not gone to picked up the death certificates on that very day, I STILL wouldn’t know. (until the county came after me).

Only through the grace of god was I able to stop the transfer of my mothers body to the county. The paperwork had been started and the pick up was scheduled for the afternoon of the 11th (that was yesterday). I went into beast mode, I found a creamatorium, arranged for pick up, spend money that I don’t have, and at 10:43am today, April 12th my mothers body was finally laid to rest. Unbelievable right? Well believe it.

So what would be the beginning/end of this season or episode? Me standing alone crying, completely broken by the course of events that took place over the past few weeks? Unable to function or concentrate or participate in my normal life? Yes! Well, no………

This morning, I woke up and went into my mothers garden. Her 20 plus rose bushes that she spent so much time and love on. Planting and grooming are now blooming. I sat there looking at the different size roses with colors ranging from red, orange, yellow and pink and I cried. This was proof that no matter how hard the past few weeks has been and how much I’ve missed my mom and wanted her back. I didn’t have to go far, she’s been here all the time.

This does not excuse the negligence of the staff over at LLMC. This thing went sideways so many times. Multiple people didn’t do their jobs and I was left handling something that I shouldn’t have. Paying for things that were not my responsibility. So not only was my Mothers body left in the morgue for 17 days (she wasnt a jane doe, they had her file). But I was NEVER contacted by them for any of it. My sad, just turned mad….. I have every intention of allowing LLMC to make this right before I begin the process of informing the public just how people and their families are treated post mortum. Oh, I guess now you already know.

“I ponder of something terrifying ’cause this time there is no sound to hide behind. I find over the course of our human existence one thing consists of consistence…. and that’s we are all battling fear. Oh dear, I dont know why we’re here. Oh my, too deep, please stop thinking.. I liked it better when there was too much sound.”

‘There are things we can do, but from the things that work there are only TWO and from the two that we choose to do… Peace will win and fear will lose.

It is faith and there’s sleep. We need to pick one thing because Faith is to be awake and to be awake is for us to think, and for us to think is to be alive, and I will try with every rhyme to come across like I am dying, to let you know you need to try to think.

I ponder of something great my lungs will fill and then deflate. They fill with fire, exhale desire I know it’s dire my time today”-Car Radio TOP

I choose peace…. but when it comes to my Mommy, that peace is going to have a little punch behind it. She deserved that. Everyone does.

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Just a picture perfect day


I know, I kinda I left you hanging last week. I needed to get the information out but couldn’t bring myself to tell you how we got there. My mothers story is long, and parts are unattractive so how about I just cut to the chase, Friday, March 22nd.

Friday morning I woke up with the plan. I would go to work, meet up with my Ex and his mother at my house. My daughter was planning to spend the week with him, and his family as she does on most school breaks. We’d go by the hospital, visit with my mom, then they’d continue on their travels. I would continue my day fighting with hospital administrators and doctors to try to get my mom transferred out of the hospital to a facility where she could be outside, and we could visit anytime and even bring our dogs.

That was the plan. Or at least my plan, see at this point we had exhausted all other avenues. We knew she wasn’t getting better. We knew I couldn’t bring her home, and I was still chasing time, thinking that I actually had some.

So, Friday morning goes off without a hitch, it was such a beautiful day. I taught my first class of the day which is my favorite class of the week (shhhh don’t tell even though every one already knows). Funny how I teach 6 mornings a week at the same club to the same people, same format, yet fridays always feel different. This week was no exception, my students worked harder and inspired me more than they ever have. Off to the next club which is again a favorite, but bitter sweet because my Mom used to take this class. My heart belongs to my seniors, (despite my cool exterior) and I did love having my mom participate and become friends with some of my favorite people. I gave my weekly “Mom” report to my students, her friends, taught, even threw in a little senior yoga and made it back home to meet with the family. Perfect.

We arrive to the hospital before 1pm which left me exactly 4 hours to do my magic before I had to leave to teach my evening class. We walked in all smiles and laughter only to be stared down by my mother, who was not laughing. See, what I failed to mention is that she was supposed to be transfered the day before and this little family reunion was supposed to be taking place outside with the dogs and other friends…. but I digress…

Her transfer was cancelled and she wasn’t happy about it. I know the look so I excused myself to find her case worker and see if I could make mountains move.

Apparently, I can’t. No bed, no moving, no nothing. For how long I ask? Maybe Tuesday or Wednesday they answer. Shit. Ok. So I put my big girl face on and went to tell Mom the news. Needless to say it didn’t go over well. Now let’s remember that my mom had brain cancer and the tumors were right on her behavioral sites. That was rough because one minute she was her and the next she wasn’t. Her reaction was one that I had seen before and scared the shit out of me. First the kicking, then the screaming, then the silence. It was the silence that was the hardest. She then turned to me and said “I can’t do this anymore, I am so tired….please” The look in her eye told me exactly what she meant. I said “Ok mommy, when?” and she said “tomorrow”. Fuck. My daughter immediately started crying and said “NO! I want to be here, and my mother turned to her and said “GO, Go with your father”…. Ok pause. If you knew my mom and her relationship with my daughter, and my relationship with her father, you would KNOW that she’d never say that unless she was serious.

I put my head down and cried, because thats what I do. Then I got up and said “ok”…… What happens next is truly from God because there is no way I could’ve have orchestrated the rest of this day.

I called my brother and he and my niece jumped in the car and drove in like they did at least 100 times before from palm springs. I called in the pallative team to make sure all the right questions were answered and asked and text the people that I knew she would want to see. She was told she could eat anything she wanted.. so off went my Ex and daughter to get her a cheeseburger and shake. In the interim, she had popsicles and doughnuts and anything, and everything she hadn’t eaten in the past nine weeks.

Somehow in the midst of the madness I expressed how disappointed I was that she never got to go outside… Her nurse, who was an angel I am sure of it, said hang on and left her room with a smile…. She returned to tell us that she had made special arrangements to have my mom taken out onto the helipad of the hospital! Mom was going outside…..

At 4:31pm March 22nd, my mother was the first patient ever to on to the helipad of LLMC. Along with many of her doctors, nurses, a TV crew (kidding, but it was filmed). Both her children and two of her grandchildren she made history…….Of course she did.

It was the perfect moment. The view of the valley was beyond anything she had seen from any of her hospital rooms that’s for sure. Once we got up and got her settled she just closed her eyes, soaked in the sun and cried. Then we all cried. Tears of joy and sadness mixed together. She looked at me and said “I am really ready now, I am going to just fly away”……

And thats that. The rest of the story goes as you’d expect. We eventually went back to her room, and everyone eventually left.

Prior to that we laughed, watched her eat that cheeseburger and of course, cried. Friends came in and prayed with her. I had the opportunity to connect to my niece in a way that touched my soul, and I will never forget. She had family, friends, and food and it was just perfect.

In the midst of the “party” I realized that we still had important business to take care of and left her room to speak to her doctor about organ donation. When I asked about donating her organs her doctor asked me if I would be interested in donating her body to science. I didn’t even hesitate “yes of course” I said. Her doctor looked at me funny so I asked “why are you giving me the big eyes?”. She said “No big eyes” (ok, if anyone knows the big eyes its me, sister), so I called my brother over thinking I had made a mistake. He was right with me in the decision to donate. The doctor explained that not too many people are willing to let go of their loved ones bodies after death. Being that my brother is an educator, and my job is to increase the fitness level of people both young and old it made perfect sense to us. In fact, in all of this, that decision has given me the most peace. Knowing that she can be a part of something bigger than her inspires me. Having lost both my parents to cancer wants me to find out why… but that’s another blog.

The next day my brother, nephew and I met early at the hospital. Wearing our Rams gear to honor her favorite team we had a some sweet conversation, and then well you know the rest. (if not, read the next blog)

Every morning I wake up and forget that she is gone. Everyday I cry. Everyday I miss her and EVERYDAY I think about our perfect day.

Thank you Mom for giving me so much in life and after… because of you I am not alone. I can call my brother without hesitiation, love my “kids” without boundries and sleep knowing that you are still here all around me making sure that I am just fine…..

“So we live life like a video, when the sun is always out, and you never grow old and the champange’s always cold and the music’s always good, and the pretty girls just happened to stop by in the hood. Without a wrinkle in today ’cause there’s no tomorrow, Just a picture perfect day to last a whole lifetime and it never ends cause all we have to do is hit rewind. So lets stay in the moment, reminisce, talk some shit, forever young is in your mind. Leave a mark that can’t erase neither space nor time. So when the director yells cut we’ll be fine, we’re forever young.”- Jay-Z

We will be honoring my mothers life on her birthday June 8th. Deets to follow.

Later for now…..

Oooohh child, things are gonna get easier, oooh child things will be brighter. Keep your head up. Oooh child things are gonna get easier, ooooh child things will be alright……

On March 23, 2019 at 3:42pm, My mother transitioned to a better place. A place where her body no longer failed her and her mind was as clear as a summer day. I know in my heart my father is there waiting for her and together they will continue thier journey together.

The stories that come from such a short time are both sad and funny. As a family, we all tried to find humor in any given sitaution. Most people think that’s weird or scary. I think it’s just how its always been.

A few hours ago we were laughing, right now I am not. I am, however, grateful to have this time with my mom, just us, as she starts to float away.

The process of withdrawing care isn’t exactly how I imagined it to be. I guess unless you’ve done this before, no one really knows what to expect. But I was definately not expecting this. Oooh child things are gonna get easier, oooh things will get brighter.

Death is scary. It is. No one wants to admit it, but its true. I am sitting here watching my Mom and I wonder what is happening? Is she dreaming? Is she at a party with my dad like Rose and Jack in the Titanic? Man, I sure hope so. Can she hear me talking to her? Did she hear me say goodbye?

It has all happened so fast, even though the hours we spent in this room seemed endless… The rollercoaster that was nine weeks in this hospital seemed like forever. Every day it was something new, yet now I can’t believe we are actually here.

The end.

At least for now….BUT YOU’VE GOT TO KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.

Dedicated to my Mom Diana Sue Davison Bibo 6-8-42 to 3-23-19

My brother and I, along with our 7 collective children will forever hold you, and cherish you, in our hearts, minds, and in our laughter.

Nothing is forever…..

March 10…. One day before my birthday, a big one, and I finally open my computer to try to articulate what my life/our lives look like since the last time I wrote…..

Currently, my Mother is living in the hospital. She has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Metasatic lung cancer. Breathe…… Okay, so its bad. It sucks. But this is now our new normal.

Within a very short time we went from regular ole dysfunction, to our worlds blowing up, to this…. Acceptance, and being present as much as possible. Its tough, we’ve had so many changes, one day is so different from the next. But in all of the ups, downs, ins, and outs, I keep looking for the beauty in it…. The good news, I am able to find it. Most days anyway.

My relationship with my brother has been given new life and the man I always felt like was my partner in crime I now talk to and see on almost a daily basis. With that comes my improved relationships with his three oldest children, who are now adults. They bring me joy, laughter, and support through the dark times. Then, there is my daughter, my perfect angel, who I really thought I may have lost to her teenage years…. We have come together stronger than ever. Navigating our way through the day by day, living our lives without my mom here to run interferance and reminding us not to forget….

But I am sad, so sad, and angry, livid really…and every other emotion you feel when there is a loss. Even though my mom is fighting her hardest to stay alive, to give us more time together, I miss her. God, I miss her so much. I miss her laugh and her sick sense of humor. I sit in the house we share and just look around for hours. She is everywhere, that gives me peace, but it also hurts like hell. She wants me to get my own things and make the house the way I want it. But I cant. I am not ready to let her go.

I haven’t really wanted to write about it and I still don’t because its still so raw. But it’s not over, every week brings a new challenge, a new set of tears and frustration. We will continue to fight, to be strong, for her and for each other. In this I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was, that the petty bullshit that I was so angry about is gone. That I am capable of being just her daughter who loves and respects her so much. The woman that I thought taught me nothing really taught me everything…. That is what I draw from everytime I think I can’t do this or don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. If she can, I can. Besides its not forever, nothing is.

“Let’s stop. Let’s dance for a while. Heaven can wait we’re only watching the skies. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst are you gonna drop the bomb or not? Let us die young or let us live forever. We don’t have the power, but we never say never. Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip. The music’s for the sad man. Forever young I wanna be forever young.. do you really want to live forever? and ever and ever”-

Dedicated to my Mommy, no matter what happens or how long we have its been such an amazing trip with you….You bring me joy and laughter everytime I see you. You continue to inspire and motivate me to be better. I love you more than I thought I did and I forever will….


Oh, Mom…..

As the dust settles from our very emotional holiday season, and I find my home life has fallen back into its routine. Everyone seems to be getting along, happy to be back to our normal. My daughter and I are finding our way again and it all feels perfect.

See, here’s the thing, my own childhood was very unconventional. My mother worked full time at Universal Studios which was an hour commute both ways. Her 10 hour work days plus commute time didn’t leave much time for her kids. My brother and I had our dad, our maternal grandmother, and of course each other. At the time that was my normal. It wasn’t until I was older did I realize how much I missed having a relationship with my mother, and all the things a mother teaches her daughter.

20 weeks pregnant and I have the ultrasound that determines just about everything including the sex of the child. When the ultrasound technician asked me if I wanted to know the sex of my baby I said yes because I had already decided that I was having a boy.

Well no, no I wasn’t…. I was having a girl. I cried immediately because I thought….. How am I going to do this? My mother didn’t prepare me for life, and certainly not motherhood. My relationship with her was ass-backward, but that’s ok, I thought. I can do this. (Now let me interject by saying that God is good and very smart because the way our lives turned out, there is NO WAY I could have raised a boy alone). At the time, I didn’t realize I was about to be a single parent. But several months later, I was and then I thanked God once again for knowing more than me.

Raising my daughter was a piece of cake up until recently. I just loved her the best I could and took the advice of other moms who did know better. Everything I needed to know I somehow did. Most of the time, my instincts just carried me through. I did then, and still do love our relationship. It could have gone south so many times, but I was determined to be a better mom. To be present, loving, and be there when she needed me most.

As my daughter got older and we started to experience the joy of amusement parks I decided to take her to Universal Studios. I hadn’t been there in years since my mom retired to then be a stay home mom (I was already out of the house). I booked a hotel for us and we did my favorite type of commuting (the train/subway) which dropped us off right at the park and hotel. We had a great time (we always do), but I couldn’t help feeling resentful of this theme park for taking my mothers time and attention for all those years.

So I had an idea, bring Mom back to the place where she spent the majority of my childhood and maybe just maybe she will have a moment of regret, or sadness, or something. I guess I really wanted her to see what she chose over my brother and me. Ok, not the best intentions on my part but I felt the need for closure. Or maybe, it was some type of validation, at least an understanding of the impact this place had on my life.

So the three of us took the train, then the subway and the shuttle to the suite I booked for us at the Universal hotel. We had a beautiful room and it was on the fancy floor that had a clubhouse where we could get free food around the clock. I love hotels so that was enough for me, well almost.

We hung out at City Walk on Saturday and had plans to visit the park the next day. As the park opened Sunday morning and we went in I could see her face filled with wonder and excitement. I pouted, as she relived memories that only she knew, then proceeded to educate my daughter on how much the park had changed. Hmmmm, my plan wasn’t going as I thought…okay, well might as well make the most of it.

One of my favorite rides is the Mummy so off my mini me and I went with plans to catch up with my mom after. Surely she would take this time to reflect on her life there and maybe have some regret?

After riding the Mummy ride two times back to back my phone rings and it’s my Mom “come to the lower level museum, hurry” So we run over to find my mother taking pictures with tourists… I’m thinking what the hell, as she points to a collage of pictures on the wall. There, hung pictures of the first years of Universal Studios, and they were all of HER! The first of many of her positions was one of the very first tour guides, she was promoted quickly to doing private tours to the stars.

Once she found the pictures, she began to tell all the people around her that the girl in the picture was her and they, of course, wanted to take selfies with the lady on the wall. I sat there speechless and then just laughed. My mother was in all her glory cheesing for the camera and then asking that I send my brother the pics that caused all the excitement. Shit.

Lesson learned: don’t ever try to create an agenda that you hope will produce a specific reaction out of someone else. I know my intentions were not pure, I was looking for some type of validation from her, an apology, something. Instead, I was reminded that it is NOT all about me. My Mother did the best she could and she did have joy in her life, even though it wasn’t just being my mom. She was exactly where she was supposed to be. Funny thing is, so am I.

This does explain why I am so extra when it comes to my daughter. No doubt my childhood experience made a better mother, and now MY daughter is teaching me how to be a better daughter.

Currently, my Mom is not doing well. She has survived multiple myeloma and been in remission for 16 years although they predicted five. She served as my co-parent raising my daughter for the last 14 years and is truly an inspiration to me and so many others. But now her body is tired and she is battling heart and respiratory problems. Our time together might be years or months, but I can say that the resentment and anger I had once toward her is gone. I am grateful that, although I didn’t get the time and attention I wanted from her, my daughter did. And as adults, she is my biggest source of support.

So big picture, you don’t always get what you want…. but if you let him, God will give you exactly what you need.

With positivity and love to my top 3… I love you A.K.

Yey!! We made it!

First day back to school after what seemed like the longest Winter Break in the history of Winter Breaks. It was the best of times and the worst of times. Mostly the worst, but we survived, my little family and I made it through the trials and tribulations, the sadness and disappointment. And we are still standing, stronger than before….

Without going into too much detail I will share the highs (nobody cares about the lows really). My daughter turned 16 and I didn’t fall apart, well not totally anyway. That same beautiful child survived a car accident in which she was the passenger to a teenager driving like an ass. She and her boyfriend walked away somewhat unharmed (thank god for airbags). Great teaching moment there too by the way. (DO NOT GET IN THE CAR WITH A STUPID TEENAGER DRIVING).

I was forced to reduce my work schedule by more than half for two weeks and realized that I work way too hard and need to start looking toward my future life/ job and where I will be in the next few years…

I knew I wouldn’t stay where I am forever but now it’s only two years away and I’ve got to get a move on. It’s like when you say you’ll have children when you are ready. Guess what you are never really ready and there is nothing wrong with having a plan, in fact, I strongly suggest it.

2018 was hands down the hardest year of my life. Worse than my divorces (yes plural), even worse than my father passing away. That seems insane, but please understand that I was challenged with so many things all at once. and most of them were out of my control. My faith had taken a backseat as it usually does until I am in crisis. And for the first time, I faced these challenges alone.

We underestimate the power of support in our lives. I found myself trying to juggle and make everyone else ok which is, you know, my job in life. What made it hard this time is I had no one to catch me. No one in my corner lifting me up as I fell apart over and over.

I do have friends, great friends, but its different. I literally gave everything I had to make sure my family wasn’t falling apart…. to make sure nobody felt sad or left out or less than…..in the meantime I fell and I fell hard. I guess it makes sense I am only human. But here is the thing… I GOT UP. There were times when I didn’t want to but I did it anyway.

Now all the pain and tears and feelings of despair are behind me. My life is no longer on winter break and I can fall back into my routine. I love routine, it keeps me focused and driven and moving forward. Some people find it boring, I find security in the life I have chosen. Not that I don’t look forward to change. I love change, change is good, change helps you grow. Too much change at one time however can be overwhelming especially to someone like me. But I managed and here I am all the wiser.

At the beginning of each new year, I always remind people that the correct terminology is Happy New Year. Singular. One year. I can’t tell you how many people wish me Happy New Years… Oh please, I can’t take more than one at a time…. How about happy new DAY? That I can get excitied about.

I know this year will bring more changes and bumps in the road, I pray that I find love so that when those challenges hit me I don’t feel so alone and completely responsible. I will look at life with anticipation, love, and excitement instead of sadness and fear. I know we will all be okay because we already are, okay.

“I really need you, I really need your love right now, I’m fading fast, not gonna last… I’m really stupid, I’m burning up, I’m going down, I’ll win it back. don’t even ask. When I find myself in the middle, could you love me more, just a little? Over-complicate it but its simple… Would you love me more just a little? So tell me now, when every star falls from the sky and every last heart in the world breaks. Oh, hold me now, when every ship is going down I don’t fear nothing when I hear you say…. ITS GONNA BE OKAY” Robin Schultz

It really is…… A.K.




Imagine

Here I am writing on New Year’s day, pretty cliche huh. Bet you think I am going to reflect on the past year and set goals and intentions for this new year, Nah. I just wanted to be a part of something today. The blogging world, the writing world, the real world.

The past few months have been rough for me I will admit that but I am still here. Still standing. A little beat up, definitely bruised but I am here.

I didn’t give into the demons that haunted me, or the stress of things I had no control over. Although I thought about it, many times I thought about just giving up.

But then who the hell would entertain you??? Where would you get the crazy (yet true) stories from this down to earth (minus the lashes and hair), straight talking Single mom?

When I am at my lowest I always think of my daughter and even though she is now a teenager…16 to be exact, and no longer needs me like she used to. But there is no way I could leave this earth without standing by her for the pivotal moments that are in her future. Rather than being scared of her growing up I am looking forward to watching her grow and flourish. To see all the hard work and sacrifices I made come into fruition. And then, of course, there are the grandbabies. NOT NOW…. But I’m just saying.

So on this first day of 2019 I wish you all Peace and Hope, Love and Compassion. Joy and lots of Laughter…

“Imagine me, loving what I see when the mirror looks at me ’cause I Imagine me, In a place of no insecurities, and I’m finally happy ’cause I Imagine me.

Letting go of all of the ones who hurt me, ’cause they never did deserve me, Can you imagine me? Saying NO to those thoughts that try to control me, remembering all you told me, Lord could you imagine me? Over what my mama said, and healed from what my daddy did. I wanna live and not read that page again.

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine me……

Being strong and not letting people break me down, you won’t get that joy this time around. Can you imagine me? In a world where nobody has to be afraid? Beacause of your love fears gone away. Can you imagine me?

Letting go of my past, and glad I have another chance, and my heart will dance because I don’t have to read that page again.

Imagine me, being free, trusting you totally, finally I can imagine me. I admit it was hard to see, you being in love with someone like me. But finally, I can Imagine me.” Kirk Franklin

Gods got you…. Imagine that….

Love love love A.K.