A blessing and a curse

Ah, the holidays. The best of times and the worst of times. Funny how a time frame just 6 weeks or so can impact someone’s life so much. For most people, the holidays are a time to be stressed out, overextended and generally miserable. For others, it’s a lonely time. I can speak from experience on this one. The holidays inevitably draw the other parent (if you are a single one) out of the woodwork, only to fuck up your plans and ruin your day. I mean, see the child you share, fuck up your plans,  and ruin your day.

The last month or so has been rough for me. It all peaked last week with me putting my robe on over my workout clothes and crawling into bed, at 2pm on a Wednesday. That is not normal behavior for me. I haven’t colored my grey roots in 2 months, not normal behavior for me… and don’t even get me started on my toes, or my legs that haven’t seen a razor is in wayyyyy too long.

Why the sudden change in me? A conglomeration of shit that I am doing my best to process but most of it is out of my hands. A situation that I could have avoided if I just didn’t procrastinate so much, knowing that all this crap could have been avoided if I just handled my business…. Is that enough for a pity party?

No, actually it’s not. Because guess what? My house is still standing. My friends are still alive (the few that I have). And I will clean up my mess and become an active member of society again. Sometimes we get blindsided by something we can’t control. And sometimes if we planned ahead and took things day by day, moment by moment, the shitstorm can be prevented.

So here I am, writing again (yey), and currently waiting for my roots to process….

YOU GOTTA GET UP…. especially when you don’t want to and the rabbit hole is calling to you. GET UP. Find something to do that is productive and brings you joy. One foot in front of the other…. just keep moving.

And if none of that helps turn on some Christmas carols….. and sing.

Love you always, A.K.

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Shade

“Acting in a casual or disrespectful manner towards someone, DISSING A FRIEND. A light comment with slight disrespect towards an individual”-Urban Dictionary

People are a trip. I never seek out drama or information that isn’t my business, yet such information always makes its way to me. Then once you know. you know. What I find interesting is that while we all know people love to talk, why we feel the overwhelming need to tell and hear other peoples stories.

I am often asked “where is *&^$ or @#%$, my standard answer: “I don’t know”…. Of course, I know. Its just none of your damn business. I don’t tell other peoples stories so don’t ask.

I have a motto that helps when being there for a friend who may be having issues with their men. “No cheating or beating” Which means I promise to do my best to stay neutral and let you vent without judgment. I might give you advise or just listen….. Unless they cheat or beat, then I will step in. So be careful what you tell me.

I try my best to be a friend and treat others with respect and hold my tongue (most of the time). That’s of course unless you ask……

Ironically, I have people that used to be my friend, best friends even who no longer speak to me. No big fight, no real reason.  Just bye. I cherish my friendships so all of these break-ups were a lot harder than I thought they’d be. It’s a different type of loss with a friend.

Then I remember “it’s them and not you” and although I say it often to others, it FEELS very different. Maybe it IS me.

But then the most interesting thing was revealed to me. These past friends still follow me on social media, and even read the blog! Now that’s crazy, you don’t want to be my friend but you are interested in my life?

Why? To throw shade. To find something that can be twisted into ME throwing shade on you, so you now can justify not being my friend (but you are the one still keeping tabs on me)? Ooof that’s a lot and reads a little egocentric on my part but I promise you its true.

Modern day social media hacking is easy and like I said information often just comes to me.  So then I thought… why not? Why not write a blog and shade the shit out of these individuals….. Because you never feed the beast. And you NEVER want to allow someone to feel relevant in your life when they are not.

Besides its just messy. Nobody likes messy

 

A.K.

 

 

Tennis Court

“Baby be the class clown, I’ll be the beauty queen. It’s a new art form showing people how little we care yeah. We’re so happy, even when we are smiling out of fear. Let’s go down to the tennis court, and talk it up like yeah”- Tennis court Lorde

Life is full of changes… Currently, I am having to come to terms with the ever-changing relationship that I share with my daughter. As she gains independence and slips farther away I have moments of panic where I want to pull to back to me. But then I breathe and remember what it was like to be 15. I had a non-existent relationship with my mother. My friends and boyfriend were everything. So its about right. Sometimes it’s just so hard being on this end of it. Truly what goes around comes around.

But, then I think back to some of the incredible memories we’ve made together and somehow I feel better. Grateful to have experienced them at all.

As a single mom, we carry the burden of so many roles. Sometimes the fun factor gets lost and life seems to be all about work, school, activities, and obligations.

When my daughter turned 8 or so I was able to set aside a vacation fund for us. The first stop on the vacation train, Disneyland. So I bought year passes and at least one weekend a month we would spend the day with Mickey and friends. Sometimes we would drive down Saturday night and spend the night in one of the local hotels. We would eat takeout in bed and go to sleep early so that we were standing at the gates when the park opened Sunday morning.

After a year of Disney, we decided to take a multiple day vacation and spent four days in San Diego. Sea World, the Zoo, the Wild Animal park….. a three hour drive each way wasn’t exactly my idea of a relaxing vacation. But it was age appropriate (for her), and we always had fun together.

The next year was it for me. Finally, she outgrew the amusement park vacation phase and was open to becoming a beach bum. Now we are talking… There is no place I love more than the beach and with my favorite girl…. now that’s a vacation. Except it kinda wasn’t. While I was perfectly happy laying in the sun and taking long walks, my now 12-year-old wasn’t really feeling it.

There had to be a happy medium.. a place that was entertaining enough for her but relaxing and beachy enough for me. After a long search, I found an all-inclusive beach resort in San Diego that seemed to have it all. Four pools, Five restaurants, our room opening up to a private beach, and lots of things to do at the resort. It was expensive but worth it to me… they had room service 24 hours a day AND a Starbucks!

We arrive and its everything and more. We checked out every pool and restaurant on our 4 day stay. We visited the gym (for about 2 minutes), we walked, we talked, we laughed, and then we rode.

So the backstory to this is that I AM A SPIN INSTRUCTOR….So when My daughter wanted to rent a two-man bike I thought perfect… this will be amazing.

Amazing is not quite the word I would use to describe the experience.

After making reservations for an hour on the bike, my mini-me and I jump on one of the large bikes (meant for four and the size of a golf cart) and prepare to take off…..

Only we don’t take off we COULDNT EVEN GET THE THING MOVING! I pipe up with “excuse me I’m a spin instructor what the hell”!! The guy who worked at the rental place must’ve felt bad because he called over three of his buddies to give us a push start (no that wasn’t embarrassing at all). But we were off, once we caught our groove we were cruising around like we’d been riding the bike/golf cart for years.

That is until the first hill, the grounds of the resort were full of hills and bridges, gorgeous really until you have to climb one. Our first four attempts resulted in us getting a quarter of the way up the hill only to go back all the way down.  There was an outdoor wedding going on near us so our failed attempts were witnessed by many strangers. Good thing a good sense of humor runs strong in my family. The spin instructor in me came to life and I timed our hill climbing perfectly with both of us standing up and making over the hill…..

Anxious to get away from the wedding guests we headed towards the tennis courts, It was then that my darling child asked if she could drive. The answer to that question should always be NO, but I of course caved, and let her take the wheel.

All I can say is that by the time we turned the bike in, we had gone into the private backyards of at least four guests. Ran into numerous bushes one of which I got stuck in and had to climb out of the bike to get free. My entire left side was full of cuts, scrapes, and I was bleeding from a bad crash with the tennis court.

But we laughed. We laughed so hard we couldn’t move. We laughed while I was saying RIGHT! RIGHT! NO OTHER RIGHT!!! , and we laughed when we almost crashed into another couple,  Who were NOT laughing, by the way.

God, it was such a fun trip, somedays I want to book a room at that same resort and force my daughter to spend a weekend with me. But then I come back to reality and realize that that season is over for us. Just like the amusement park vacations were a thing of the past, any alone time with my teenager would just be met with a bad attitude and a fight for attention away from her phone.

But I still have those memories, and we still talk about our vacations and laugh so I can’t complain…. But I do look forward to the time when things come full circle and we can vacation together again… and laugh.

Dedicated to my favortie daughter, I am so happy that you have learned your right from left… I love you more……

A.K.

 

 

The Plumber

This blog will make no sense to you if you don’t read the blog below “But its Sunday” first.

Ok…. so I posted the blog yesterday and text a few girlfriends for their thoughts. As I expected they encouraged me to text the Plumber something, anything, just to get the conversation started. I thought about it and went with “I see you’ve called my Mom three times since you have left (true), I think she’s a little old for you (winky face) but thank you for checking in. The house is smelling much better”.

Then I waited…….. I saw the infamous iPhone bubbles that finally came through as “Just making sure your good and not backing up. Your welcome.”

Seriously?!?! First, dry as hell. But more importantly the improper use of YOUR two times in ONE text!

Oh hell no. I consult my friends and against my better judgment- text back “Well, you saved my ass so I appreciate you coming out on a Sunday”. So many roads he could have gone down with that one but his response ” You guys are awesome. TTYL” Ok now I hate my friends and I am totally embarrassed because I just got shut down,

TTYL??? What are we in middle school? No, I am not going to talk to you later ass- you don’t know the proper use of your and you’re!

Then I see a text from my Gay Best Friend come through “It’s 2018, first facebook stalk the plumber, then text him”. ALWAYS listen to your GBF. See if I would have taken HIS advice and stalked first I would’ve seen that that Plumber is engaged to a lovely blonde girl and his dryness was appropriate.

Oh well, you live and you learn. My friends commended me on taking a chance. I am still trying not to feel rejected and will never ever make a move again without consulting the master of all things awkward, my gay husband Bien.

“and I say I’m ok, but I guess I am a liar. You say you’re okay, but I saw that you liked it. Just a little bit better of faking it than me baby, Just a little bit better of faking it than me baby”- Faking it C.Harris

But its Sunday

So, for those who of you haven’t seen me let me describe how I look when I leave the house on every other day. My hair is either in braids or in a variety of different fake ponytails. Eyelashes and eyebrows on point, and a nice glossed lip. I’m usually wearing workout clothes because I am usually going to work. Always presentable. Except for Sundays which is the one day that the lashes are off, glasses on, hair usually dirty and pulled back and Pj”s replace work out clothes.

Today is Sunday, and today, of course, I met a man.

It all started last night when I noticed my toilet wasn’t flushing…. the plumbing nightmare continued into my shower and my mothers’ toilet. We were clogged. I stayed up past 9 (on a sat which is unheard of for me). Plunging, plunging, watching, and nothing.

This morning I woke up to my mother telling me the shower was now full of shit (literally) and she’d call the plumber after church……. I am sorry, but there is no way I am waiting to use the bathroom until who knows when. Especially when I am fully capable of fixing a clog (no I am not). So it begins, the plunging, the overflowing, the obsessively running from bathroom to bathroom to see if anything was flowing….. Ya it was flowing, OVERFLOWING….. gross.

I text my mom to ask her to come home because I was wayyyyy out of my league. She called the plumber he called back! He was on his way! Horray!

I open the door (remember its Sunday) and a man who was the perfect height, perfect age range, perfect face, no wedding ring, (and has a job!) is standing at my door. The Plumber.

Of course, the plumber has a good laugh as I apologize for the house smelling like shit (what I should’ve done was apologize for also looking like shit.. but I had forgotten) In my mind, it wasn’t a Sunday and I didn’t look like death.

We chatted, I flirted…. he fixed my clogged pipes, (the ones outside) and again there was harmony in my house. When it came to paying the bill he took a $100 off the flat service fee for Sundays, and gave my mom (she’s a total whore, ask anyone) his personal cell phone and promised to come any time to unclog my pipes..

As he drove away I thought, he could be someone I could go out with. I see myself having fun and interesting conversation with him.. So, as I write this I think.. Should I? Should I text his personal phone and try to see if he feels the same?  To see if we really did hit it off. Maybe even see each other on a not a Sunday? But what if he thought the real me, the stripped down version was not cute and reject me???

Ahhh so many questions…. fear is holding me back. Question is will I let it?

 

Stay Tuned….A.K.

 

 

 

 

I suck at online​ dating

Now that wasn’t so hard to admit, that I suck at this dating game. The game that almost every person in my life has told me to do. The game that is accepted and even revered by some. The game That allows people to meet, converse and maybe even date from the security of their home (or work, or wherever, really).  For me…..online dating is not for me.

It’s fun, in the beginning. Setting up profiles, picking my best edited/filtered photos. Thinking of witty things to say without sounding bitter and bitchy. Giving a little of who I am but not enough to feel personal rejection if they don’t “like” me. Then looking (and laughing, sorry but COME ON… that picture!) at others profiles and waiting to see if any of these guys think I’m foxy- (well let’s be honest, online dating isn’t about finding your soul mate).

For me the first 3 days is fun, swiping right, liking or whatever the site’s protocol is. Then it just isn’t anymore. Truth be told I am not interested in the “good morning beautiful” from random dudes. In the beginning, it was great for my ego. But then the endless boring five words texts came in… “how are you?” “what are you looking for?”What are you doing tonight?” “do you really work in a gym”?. Yea the GYM not the Pentagon, stupid.  As in all areas of my life, I am sure I have unrealistic expectations. Am I really going to find THAT GUY on-line? Not with my attitude that’s for sure. Funny thing is I really don’t care.

I still believe in the organic meet. Being able to look someone in the eye and try to read them based on not only what they are saying but how they are acting. Words are cheap, we know this. Hiding behind a keyboard or even talking on the phone so much can be fabricated. Does anyone even look like their profile pics? I sure as shit don’t….. (thank god for snap chat filters).

So what happens? Do I stay single forever? Maybe. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I am lonely and would love some male companionship. But still, in my heart, I believe that man will somehow find me or I will find him if we are meant to be.

You might call me naive, and that’s okay. I would rather be naive and alone than miserable in a bad relationship.

So I tried… five different dating sites and nothing. At least now I can tell people when they ask me “why don’t you try online dating” I can say I did. (and I suck at it).

Everything we do in life is a learning experience, from this, I take away that I am not old and dried up. Men still find me attractive, and I did see and converse with some attractive men. The last time I actively dated was 16 years ago so getting used to dating within my age range will be challenging, but It’s all good. My man is out there somewhere I know it. When its time, I’ll be ready-ish.

“Oh, don’t pray for love. Oh, say love. Just ask the lonely, just ask the lonely. Have you ever been through life’s challenges? Promises? Get down here I’m praying” T-Scott

love love A.K.

Here we go….. again

New day, same shit…

I do not want this blog to go left and be negative but I am honestly frustrated in both myself and the people who I allow to affect my life. The complainers. 

It seems that some people love to complain, criticize, blame and deflect. When you work in service (which I have written about before) you, unfortunately, get a lot of other peoples shit thrown at you. Most of the time it isn’t about you. But sometimes it is.

I am the first one to admit that I am not perfect. I have my good and bad days, just like you. I get sick, just like you. I get tired, just like you. I feel insecure, annoyed, uneasy and anxious, just like you.

The difference is… I own it. I will admit when I am wrong and am happy to apologize when appropriate. I fuck up sometimes, but so do you.

Why is it that because I choose the role to teach, inspire, and motivate somehow that gives people more ammunition to come for me? Have you ever tried teaching a spin, yoga, weight training or seniors class? If you do or have, I bet you have never once complained about the instructor. If you have an issue, you have the professional courtesy to speak directly TO that instructor. See, that is how it is supposed to be. And why complain at all??? What do you think will get resolved by bringing your negative energy into a situation that may or may not been based solely on your interpretation?? Are you a mind reader? Is that instructor really out to GET you? No, get over yourself.

We currently live in a society that makes it okay to be disrespectful. Rules no longer exist and its every self-entitled asshole for themselves. When did this happen? Why????

A person like me can bust my ass to please people who will never actually be happy with anything. Then they use their voices to create drama that can affect my job, my life because whatever I did or didn’t do wasn’t what they wanted. “I just want to be left alone” nope, sorry you came into my class where I am not only responsible for your safety but it’s my job to guide your workout (and kick your ass).  “I don’t need/want your help” THEN WHY DID YOU COME TO CLASS???? It’s not mandatory, there is no law that states you must participate in group exercise classes 3x a week. So why are you here? I ask that question in my classes all the time. Not for me, I am not looking for an answer but for my students. Why did you get out of bed this morning, put on your workout clothes, and come to class? To complain about me??? girl BYE!

Exhausting huh? Now add- the ability to instruct and motivate while actually working out to the equation… Do you wonder why the turnover in fitness instructors is so high?

It’s a tough job, one that I used to LOVE. Now, as you can tell, it’s starting to weigh on me. It takes me to a place that I don’t want to go. It scares me because I am one of the good ones. One of the few that actually still care… What will happen if  I stop showing up?

“Just get ready for work, work, work, work, work. You see me I be work, work, work, work, work. You never see me do dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt. When you gonna learn, learn, learn, learn, learn. I don’t even care if I’m tired, tired, tired, tired, tired”-Rihanna

But I do show up. Every day I show up. Not just because it’s my job and I actually have a work ethic. But because not everyone sucks and the good does outweigh the bad. Unfortunately, all I ever hear is the negative stuff. So maybe, just maybe, this week we will all have more compassion for each other. For ourselves. Compliments and or a “thank you” goes a long way. I will try harder. I hope you will too.

Until the next episode…. A.K.