The Plumber

This blog will make no sense to you if you don’t read the blog below “But its Sunday” first.

Ok…. so I posted the blog yesterday and text a few girlfriends for their thoughts. As I expected they encouraged me to text the Plumber something, anything, just to get the conversation started. I thought about it and went with “I see you’ve called my Mom three times since you have left (true), I think she’s a little old for you (winky face) but thank you for checking in. The house is smelling much better”.

Then I waited…….. I saw the infamous iPhone bubbles that finally came through as “Just making sure your good and not backing up. Your welcome.”

Seriously?!?! First, dry as hell. But more importantly the improper use of YOUR two times in ONE text!

Oh hell no. I consult my friends and against my better judgment- text back “Well, you saved my ass so I appreciate you coming out on a Sunday”. So many roads he could have gone down with that one but his response ” You guys are awesome. TTYL” Ok now I hate my friends and I am totally embarrassed because I just got shut down,

TTYL??? What are we in middle school? No, I am not going to talk to you later ass- you don’t know the proper use of your and you’re!

Then I see a text from my Gay Best Friend come through “It’s 2018, first facebook stalk the plumber, then text him”. ALWAYS listen to your GBF. See if I would have taken HIS advice and stalked first I would’ve seen that that Plumber is engaged to a lovely blonde girl and his dryness was appropriate.

Oh well, you live and you learn. My friends commended me on taking a chance. I am still trying not to feel rejected and will never ever make a move again without consulting the master of all things awkward, my gay husband Bien.

“and I say I’m ok, but I guess I am a liar. You say you’re okay, but I saw that you liked it. Just a little bit better of faking it than me baby, Just a little bit better of faking it than me baby”- Faking it C.Harris

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But its Sunday

So, for those who of you haven’t seen me let me describe how I look when I leave the house on every other day. My hair is either in braids or in a variety of different fake ponytails. Eyelashes and eyebrows on point, and a nice glossed lip. I’m usually wearing workout clothes because I am usually going to work. Always presentable. Except for Sundays which is the one day that the lashes are off, glasses on, hair usually dirty and pulled back and Pj”s replace work out clothes.

Today is Sunday, and today, of course, I met a man.

It all started last night when I noticed my toilet wasn’t flushing…. the plumbing nightmare continued into my shower and my mothers’ toilet. We were clogged. I stayed up past 9 (on a sat which is unheard of for me). Plunging, plunging, watching, and nothing.

This morning I woke up to my mother telling me the shower was now full of shit (literally) and she’d call the plumber after church……. I am sorry, but there is no way I am waiting to use the bathroom until who knows when. Especially when I am fully capable of fixing a clog (no I am not). So it begins, the plunging, the overflowing, the obsessively running from bathroom to bathroom to see if anything was flowing….. Ya it was flowing, OVERFLOWING….. gross.

I text my mom to ask her to come home because I was wayyyyy out of my league. She called the plumber he called back! He was on his way! Horray!

I open the door (remember its Sunday) and a man who was the perfect height, perfect age range, perfect face, no wedding ring, (and has a job!) is standing at my door. The Plumber.

Of course, the plumber has a good laugh as I apologize for the house smelling like shit (what I should’ve done was apologize for also looking like shit.. but I had forgotten) In my mind, it wasn’t a Sunday and I didn’t look like death.

We chatted, I flirted…. he fixed my clogged pipes, (the ones outside) and again there was harmony in my house. When it came to paying the bill he took a $100 off the flat service fee for Sundays, and gave my mom (she’s a total whore, ask anyone) his personal cell phone and promised to come any time to unclog my pipes..

As he drove away I thought, he could be someone I could go out with. I see myself having fun and interesting conversation with him.. So, as I write this I think.. Should I? Should I text his personal phone and try to see if he feels the same?  To see if we really did hit it off. Maybe even see each other on a not a Sunday? But what if he thought the real me, the stripped down version was not cute and reject me???

Ahhh so many questions…. fear is holding me back. Question is will I let it?

 

Stay Tuned….A.K.

 

 

 

 

I suck at online​ dating

Now that wasn’t so hard to admit, that I suck at this dating game. The game that almost every person in my life has told me to do. The game that is accepted and even revered by some. The game That allows people to meet, converse and maybe even date from the security of their home (or work, or wherever, really).  For me…..online dating is not for me.

It’s fun, in the beginning. Setting up profiles, picking my best edited/filtered photos. Thinking of witty things to say without sounding bitter and bitchy. Giving a little of who I am but not enough to feel personal rejection if they don’t “like” me. Then looking (and laughing, sorry but COME ON… that picture!) at others profiles and waiting to see if any of these guys think I’m foxy- (well let’s be honest, online dating isn’t about finding your soul mate).

For me the first 3 days is fun, swiping right, liking or whatever the site’s protocol is. Then it just isn’t anymore. Truth be told I am not interested in the “good morning beautiful” from random dudes. In the beginning, it was great for my ego. But then the endless boring five words texts came in… “how are you?” “what are you looking for?”What are you doing tonight?” “do you really work in a gym”?. Yea the GYM not the Pentagon, stupid.  As in all areas of my life, I am sure I have unrealistic expectations. Am I really going to find THAT GUY on-line? Not with my attitude that’s for sure. Funny thing is I really don’t care.

I still believe in the organic meet. Being able to look someone in the eye and try to read them based on not only what they are saying but how they are acting. Words are cheap, we know this. Hiding behind a keyboard or even talking on the phone so much can be fabricated. Does anyone even look like their profile pics? I sure as shit don’t….. (thank god for snap chat filters).

So what happens? Do I stay single forever? Maybe. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I am lonely and would love some male companionship. But still, in my heart, I believe that man will somehow find me or I will find him if we are meant to be.

You might call me naive, and that’s okay. I would rather be naive and alone than miserable in a bad relationship.

So I tried… five different dating sites and nothing. At least now I can tell people when they ask me “why don’t you try online dating” I can say I did. (and I suck at it).

Everything we do in life is a learning experience, from this, I take away that I am not old and dried up. Men still find me attractive, and I did see and converse with some attractive men. The last time I actively dated was 16 years ago so getting used to dating within my age range will be challenging, but It’s all good. My man is out there somewhere I know it. When its time, I’ll be ready-ish.

“Oh, don’t pray for love. Oh, say love. Just ask the lonely, just ask the lonely. Have you ever been through life’s challenges? Promises? Get down here I’m praying” T-Scott

love love A.K.

Here we go….. again

New day, same shit…

I do not want this blog to go left and be negative but I am honestly frustrated in both myself and the people who I allow to affect my life. The complainers. 

It seems that some people love to complain, criticize, blame and deflect. When you work in service (which I have written about before) you, unfortunately, get a lot of other peoples shit thrown at you. Most of the time it isn’t about you. But sometimes it is.

I am the first one to admit that I am not perfect. I have my good and bad days, just like you. I get sick, just like you. I get tired, just like you. I feel insecure, annoyed, uneasy and anxious, just like you.

The difference is… I own it. I will admit when I am wrong and am happy to apologize when appropriate. I fuck up sometimes, but so do you.

Why is it that because I choose the role to teach, inspire, and motivate somehow that gives people more ammunition to come for me? Have you ever tried teaching a spin, yoga, weight training or seniors class? If you do or have, I bet you have never once complained about the instructor. If you have an issue, you have the professional courtesy to speak directly TO that instructor. See, that is how it is supposed to be. And why complain at all??? What do you think will get resolved by bringing your negative energy into a situation that may or may not been based solely on your interpretation?? Are you a mind reader? Is that instructor really out to GET you? No, get over yourself.

We currently live in a society that makes it okay to be disrespectful. Rules no longer exist and its every self-entitled asshole for themselves. When did this happen? Why????

A person like me can bust my ass to please people who will never actually be happy with anything. Then they use their voices to create drama that can affect my job, my life because whatever I did or didn’t do wasn’t what they wanted. “I just want to be left alone” nope, sorry you came into my class where I am not only responsible for your safety but it’s my job to guide your workout (and kick your ass).  “I don’t need/want your help” THEN WHY DID YOU COME TO CLASS???? It’s not mandatory, there is no law that states you must participate in group exercise classes 3x a week. So why are you here? I ask that question in my classes all the time. Not for me, I am not looking for an answer but for my students. Why did you get out of bed this morning, put on your workout clothes, and come to class? To complain about me??? girl BYE!

Exhausting huh? Now add- the ability to instruct and motivate while actually working out to the equation… Do you wonder why the turnover in fitness instructors is so high?

It’s a tough job, one that I used to LOVE. Now, as you can tell, it’s starting to weigh on me. It takes me to a place that I don’t want to go. It scares me because I am one of the good ones. One of the few that actually still care… What will happen if  I stop showing up?

“Just get ready for work, work, work, work, work. You see me I be work, work, work, work, work. You never see me do dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt, dirt. When you gonna learn, learn, learn, learn, learn. I don’t even care if I’m tired, tired, tired, tired, tired”-Rihanna

But I do show up. Every day I show up. Not just because it’s my job and I actually have a work ethic. But because not everyone sucks and the good does outweigh the bad. Unfortunately, all I ever hear is the negative stuff. So maybe, just maybe, this week we will all have more compassion for each other. For ourselves. Compliments and or a “thank you” goes a long way. I will try harder. I hope you will too.

Until the next episode…. A.K.

The Carters

“I can’t believe we made it (this is what we made made made). This is what were are thankful for. I can’t believe we made it. This is what were are thankful for (this is what we thank thank thank). I can’t believe we made it….Have you ever seen a crowd going Apeshit!?”

So, as I have mentioned  I bought tickets to the Carters OTR2 concert months ago. One minute after the pre-sale opened in March, I had my computer and credit card out ready to go. I have been looking forward to this day ever since. Two of my favorite people and I sat at the gym and quickly picked out our seats which seemed like a decent seat for an indecent price.. but that was okay because we were going. I was FINALLY going to see Beyonce’ in the flesh. My idol, my inspiration, my motivation. The woman who shared the same type of pain that I had and wrote about it. Sang about it. (Made money off it). And survived it. Making a choice; to save her family, her empire, and her marriage. I am sure it was not an easy decision, and although Sean Carter (Jay z) seems like a pretty strong dude, I am positive he pays the price for his infidelity just about every day.

The concert day arrives and I am wearing the pony to shame all ponies, (it really deserves its own blog but maybe another time.).. ripped jeans and my slay shirt (middle fingers up). I’m ready to go… The girls and I jump in the car and take the long journey to the Rose Bowl. We get there early and walk around checking out the merch and people watching. I notice a lot of women wearing blue lipstick which I thought was strange and felt the need to post a video on my snap chat story, But aside from that and the hundreds of girls dressed like Bee’s (The Beehive), everything was perfect.

We migrate towards the entrance and pass security no problem BECAUSE WE READ THE RULES, anxious to find our seats.

Did I mention we were at the Rose Bowl? So when I say seats, I really mean a two-foot space on a steel bench but that’s okay…

We find our section, and start to climb the stairs to our row. Row 77. When we were picking out our seats row 77 didn’t seem too bad. I figured each section had 100 rows give or take. The map didn’t indicate breaks in the sections but I’ve been to enough concerts to know that most sections are broken up into 25 or 50 rows. What we did see was at least our section was closer to the middle of the stage than either side.

So we start climbing…. Ok remember now I AM A FITNESS INSTRUCTOR, my friends are also students… we are in good shape… But these stairs…. They were deep and high and kept going on and on. I was huffing and puffing like I had never seen the inside of a gym let alone spend half my life there.

And we climbed and climbed until we reached the top… ROW 77! We were in the LAST row of the stadium… I immediately start complaining “there has to be some mistake… these cant be our seats” (bench). Sure enough row 77 was the last row….

Ok, Ok judge me all you want… But I was disappointed. The only positive of our seating situation is the cement wall was behind us so at least we were able to sit back and relax.

Once the show began, I forgot that we were in the very last row (except for the fact that we couldn’t even see the tiny little figures on the stage that were apparently Jay and B). Fortunately, the screens were working and the sound system was perfect. And even though I couldn’t really see her…. I could feel her. I got to watch their story unfold. A story of love, life ,and forgiveness. The Carters did an amazing job of being transparent and honest with their audience. The good and the bad… we got it all; mixed in with some Big Pimpin and Feeling Myself.  And even though most everyone has heard the rumors and the lyrics of the songs…. They put it all together and made sure their message was sent “THIS IS REAL LOVE”.

The next morning I woke up with a new sense of purpose. Love.. maybe to find it, or maybe to give more away, but I feel lighter. Freer. Inspired to re-write my own love story. Or maybe it’s just time to add on to it. Queen B has done it again….

Love always wins- A.K.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It takes one to know one

“What about your friends, will they stand their ground, will they let you down, again? What about your friends, are they gonna be lowdown, will they ever be around, or will they turn their backs on you?”TLC

When we’re kids and into our teens our friends were EVERYTHING. We made them top priority, above our parents, siblings, and sometimes even relationships.  When the going gets tough, or you get hurt, your friends were ALWAYS there to help pick up the pieces.  Male and females alike banding around one of their own after a disappointment, break up or bad day: A family of friends to laugh, cry, and binge eat with. Sometimes those friends end up being your prom date, a bridesmaid in your wedding, or even your future spouse.

Growing up I had that kind of friend group. From grammar school through high school, a group of boys and girls who literally grew up together. A few fell in love and got married,  and are married to this day. I ended up moving away but still am in contact with them from time to time. Watching as their children grow up, and am reminded of the trouble we’d get into. Because of that, our children being raised by much stricter parents than we had. We were bad and got away with it. Our kids try but don’t.

As we grow older our road narrows, life takes up time which leaves less time to cultivate new friendships.  Soon, we realize that most of our friends are people we work with or the half of the other couples that we socialize with. We might not even have much in common with these “friends” but that kinda how adulting goes. And then if the relationship goes south so do many of the friends…

I don’t have many friends. Over the years I have had people weave in and out of my life who have definitely been someone I could consider a friend. But since we meet most of our friends at work,  and I work at a gym, most of my friends are my students. And they tend to float in my life and right back out depending on what’s going on in their “real life”. The dynamic of that friendship can get tricky too sometimes because boundaries must be set. And often feelings get hurt (usually mine).

Funny thing is, I have a lot of room in my life for friends. I’d like to have more friends. But I don’t actively seek them just like I am not actively seeking a man. So, I have only a handful. I try to cultivate the friendships I do have because I understand that if you want to have friends you must BE a friend. So I reach out. I text first. I call. I “check in”. I do my best to make sure that my friends know that I care about them and am here for them. Here is the sad part. I rarely get the same attention from them. To be fair most of my friends are married and they all definately have lives to live, but with the exception of 2 maybe 3 people, I am always the first one to reach out.  Sometimes I feel like I am a burden or too needy. Or that maybe I value our friendship more than they do.

Over the years I have had best friends that I’ve been thick as thieves with. Being there for each other no matter what. Ride or die. Vacationing together. Raising our kids together. Spending Holidays and birthdays together. Then slowly one by one they have all chosen to remove themselves from my life. Now, thats a mind fuck. Undertstanding why a man breaks up with you is one thing, but being dumped by your bestie? It really sucks.

And its happened more that once, so I’d be a fool not to think that I had something to do with it…. Wait, this is turning into a pity party…. lets change lanes. This is getting a little too raw for a Thursday night.

What I do want to do is honor the friendships that I do have in these few women. One in particular who ALWAYS checks in on me. Always answeres the phone when I call, and always has my back. We might not spend our weekends shopping together or having lunch but this woman is a true true friend. And I appreciate that. I know I don’t say it enough, no one does, but to my friends, I do love and value you.

So now I’d like to encourage you to be the first one to text your friend. Call to make sure they are ok, and always support and love unconditionally. Love is infinite. You can’t give it all away; so love freely. I bet you will put a smile on someone’s face and make them feel as special as you know they are. Even if it’s for just a minute. Open yourself up and be a friend…. the return is always worth it.

Friends forever…A.K.

The Bitch is back

Anxiety: an emotion characterized by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, often accompanied by nervous behavior such as pacing back and forth, stomach pains, and constant worrying.

No, I’m not the bitch, (in this particular situation anyway) my anxiety is. I haven’t blogged for a week and I have no real reason why… that gives me anxiety. My daughter is with her father and his family this weekend… that gives me anxiety. And in less than a week I get to FINALLY see my all time favorite hip-hop musicians and performers The Carters (Beyonce’ and Jay-Z) and that gives me massive anxiety.

Why? it’s hard to explain if you don’t experience it yourself. And if you don’t, be grateful, I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy.

I can’t remember when it even started for me. Somedays nothing bothers me, others I literally feel like crawling out of my skin…. wanting to be anyone else. Anywhere else.

Ironically, my job requires me to open up a part of me to hundreds of people every week. Sometimes I could give a shit about what they think of me. Others, I am so in my head about what they do think I can barely breathe.

I started having panic attacks when my daughter was young. Being addicted to cocaine certainly didn’t help, but the feeling of a panic attack is real. I felt like I was truly going to die. In addition to the mental aspect of it, your body follows suit. Your heart starts racing, your adrenaline goes into overdrive and which causes nausea and hyperventilation. Chemicals are released into your bloodstream that can have long-term effects. They are a blast. What sucks the most is they are impossible to predict and unfortunately you just have to ride them out. Once you have one,  they often come frequently. But I am happy to say it has been a while since I’ve been hit with one.

Then there is social anxiety…… that’s the real bitch. This type of anxiety is debilitating. Some people suffer from it so intensely that they are unable to leave their homes,  preventing them from truly living their life. Home is comfortable. Safe.

I just read that singer Kehlani suffers from agoraphobia. She reached out on Twitter that she had finally left her house after 3 weeks. The outpour of support and encouragement touched me. It also made me realize that so many people feel the same way only they are ashamed to admit it.

“Its okay not to be okay. To dive into your pain. And its alright not to be alright. To search for your light. And its all good not be all good. To feel like you shouldn’t have to feel any better”

“I have my days when I am upside-down, Topsy-turvey. I have my days when I am not myself, and I’m not worried. I have my nights when I am not anxious to wake up and feel any better”

“I don’t know nobody who thinks they’re somebody 24/7. I don’t know nobody who smiles at everyone 24/7. You gotta lose you just a little. Lose your cool just a little. I won’t judge you even a little, I know your sick of it”-Kehlani 24/7

My advice: Live in your truth, talk about your fears. Find someone who understands you and reach out to them when you are struggling. It’s okay, YOU are okay.

As for me….. I am going to live it up and have the time of my life at the Carters. I will not allow this condition to stop me from laughing and dancing and acting a fool. I know I will be okay because I have my girls by my side and I have nothing to be afraid of… and I get to see BEYONCE!!!!

Stay tuned for the post-concert blog…… I’m sure it will be a good one.

In truth and freedom…. A.K.