I am not a regular mom… I am a cool mom

“I am standing in front of you, I am trying to be so cool, everything together trying to be so cool” – Screen Twenty-one Pilots

This is not entirely true…. don’t get it twisted… I am cool but not at the expense of raising my daughter.

See,  I do sweat the small stuff. I believe in structure and rules. I try to give reasons WHY my daughter should or shouldn’t behave a certain way. To honor herself,  and her body, to be a good friend and to think before making emotional decisions. I really wish my Mom would have done the same for me…. but whatever, this way we grow together. As I parent her, I also parent myself. Unfortunately, I am doing this alone.

Being mom and dad REALLY sucks in certain areas…. for instance: teaching children how to ride a bike, then to drive a car. Vacation planning. Concert going. Driving and picking up…  anywhere and everywhere. Shopping with an emotional teenager.  Watching every single gymnastics competition, dance recital, and every football game and cheer competition. Wanting to be Mom 24/7 but having to be Dad and go to work. Being both the bad guy, and the one who she runs to for comfort and advise.  And no matter how hard I try to be everywhere, I still miss so many moments.

Fuck, its all hard solo who am I kidding.  But I do it. I do it for her and honestly, I do it for me.

See I grew up knowing I had one person in my corner, on my side…my biggest fan, my ride or die: My father. He was without a doubt the best dad I could have asked for. For what my mother lacked in parenting he made up for and was always there for me no matter what.

So here I find myself in a situation that is so foreign to me… no male role model for my daughter. I turn myself inside out to try to make up for the thing that I have no control over. Try to fill the space that’s not my job to fill. But I do it anyway. Just because her father is not capable of being that doesn’t mean she should suffer any more than she already does. “we’re broken, we’re broken, we’re broken people, we’re broken people”

My father passed away in 1999. He never even met my daughter but I know that she would be his everything. It makes me so sad that the love that I know he already had for her she is unable to feel.

“while you are doing fine, there’s some people and I who have a really tough time getting through this life so excuse us while we sing to the sky”.

Today I watched my heart leave for cheer camp… this cool mom cries…as always.

I see the excitement in her face and I can’t help but be grateful that she has something in her life that gives her such joy. She has friends, a best friend who is such a blessing to me. I think that life is so much sweeter if you have at least one best friend who is there for you no matter. I can’t be that to her as much as I want to be so to my second daughter (you know who you are… I am so grateful for and love you).

In the end, it’s all ok, good even, for now at least. I will never give up on her or our journey together. Time flies as they say and I am beginning to look at my life without her being the nucleus. It scares the shit out of me and I can only pray that all the nagging and discipline will sink in and she will make good choices for her self…. and that she calls me 10 times a day :).

“and now that I write and think about it as the story unfolds, you should take my life, you should take my soul”

“you are surrounding all my surroundings twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes.”

“And I’ll be holding on to you….”

“Lean with it rock with it when we gonna stop with it.. It is time to move our feet to an introspective beat. It isn’t the speakers that bump hard it’s our hearts that make the beat”

“And I’ll be holding on to you, and I’ll be holding on to YOU”

In memory of my father and to mother/daughter memories of Twenty-one Pilots concerts.

A.K.

 

 

 

 

 

Namaste’ Bitches

Well, there is an intro for you…

So I teach yoga… have the definition of Namaste’ Tattoo’d on my body and have many inspirational quotes to share. Does that mean I am more enlightened than you? No.

Yoga instructors are some of the biggest nutjobs (myself included) that I have ever met. What drives someone to want to teach a format that is so mentally and physically challenging? Why would we ON PURPOSE put ourselves on display to be judged or even worse be looked up to as if we actually knew anything…. EGO? Maybe. Or maybe just maybe we actually do want to help. Genuinely want to heal or inspire. But how do you do that in an hour yoga class? Truth is.. you don’t.

Yoga Instructors go through hours of training, we learn the body, we learn the mind, we learn how to connect the two…  But in reality, it is our Western culture taking over Eastern healing properties (poses)  and making it a workout class… yikes.

But it works, for almost everyone it works. I have seen huge transformations in people simply by practicing yoga on a regular basis.

How does it work? You show up. You suck it up and do the best you can at the moment. You breathe. You don’t think about what happened before the class and don’t worry about what will happen after. You become truly present. Now, what other times can you say you are truly 100% present? In spin class? Nope, you are on your phones…Lifting weights? Nah, you are looking around to see who is looking at you… During another group class? Probably not because you are too busy being concerned with what everyone else is doing and competing with them.

Here’s the thing in yoga… we remind to set your ego aside. Not to worry about what the person next to you is doing. Clear your mind, (don’t you dare look at your phone). Have compassion for yourself and appreciate your body for what it can do right here right now at this moment. No judgment. No self- loathing. To feel santosha/contentment  (I also have that tattooed on my body but it’s on my back so I often forget it… Yikes part 2). It’s that feeling that caused people to become “addicted” to yoga. We become addicted to a break from ourselves, our “real lives”

Now if we could just instill those behaviors in our daily life, maybe we can change. From the inside out. It starts with you, it ends with you…. what happens in the interim is entirely up to YOU.

Breathe in through your nose out through your nose…. take it one pose at a time..

Practice your Yoga…

“And though I never learned to play I won’t forget, the secrets of the game are all but dead. The coin turns to reveal both its heads. There is still a deal… I won’t forget.

Now I don’t even want to build on the layers, there is no need to complicate a simple phrase’

Hey there baby, we’ll be fine. I’ll always want your peace of mind. I’ll always look forward to better days ahead” Jezebels

Namaste’ A.K

 

 

 

Logic

LOGIC:  noun

  1. Reasoning conducted or assessed according to strict principals of validity.
  2. The course of action or line of reasoning suggested or made necessary by.

Common Sense or Rapper?

In my world, I expect that people carry some type of logic in their thought process. Cause and effect.. if you do this, that will happen. My job is to guide you, teach you how to empower yourself to reach your goals. Logic would seem that if you took care of your body your body would take care of you. You provide your vessel with proper fuel and learned to burn the fuel optimally you would attain your goals. Your body would change.

But not if you are on your cell phone during class.

Not if you workout 2-3 times a week and those times are half-assed.

Not if you eat everything and then sit on your couch most of the time

Oh, your body isn’t changing? Yea it’s MY fault.

 

Logic

Now we are talking about Robert Bryson Hall….stage name: Logic. A visionary, an inspiration, an artist, a man.  A young man who inspires through his transparency in both his story and his life.

This young man is not only insanely talented but he has also opened the door on a taboo subject.  A condition that cripples so many of us: Anxiety and Depression. See you can say you get it. But until you GET it its impossible to GET.

People love to judge and give advice on how to manage a disorder they don’t suffer from …… they don’t GET it.

When you think of someone who suffers from anxiety or depression you may think of the high strung dude who talks fast and has a short fuse. Or maybe the woman who refuses to leave her house because believes that she doesn’t look good enough or just isn’t enough to simply be a part of.

“They never knew my struggle. Rose above the rubble. Rather live inside the bubble than go through the trouble”

Never would you think it was the person who inspires you to get out of bed in the morning. The person who seems so confident in not only themselves but in you. The one who pushes you to be your best. The talented rapper, the charismatic musician, the comedian or maybe your cycle or yoga instructor.

See these people we look up to or revere are “wired” a certain way. The most creative carry around some type of thought process or method that makes them successful.

The same thing that drives them to be amazing is debilitating. They want to help others HURTS them.  They give all that they have to make a connection and to reach you even when not asked. It’s a blessing and a curse. They give freely because they want to be heard, felt, seen…

Oof …all of the above should read we, not they, for I too am wired differently.

Personally,  I never want people to feel the pain that I have. I want everyone to feel loved and whole. Its impossible to describe but if you know you know and if you don’t, be thankful.

I attempt to give something of me to my students every time I teach a class which is between 20-25 per week. I try to draw out that thing, the reason you showed up because I believe you want more for yourself than what you have.

Sadly most of the time I miss the mark.

Not everyone wants to be a superstar some people really just want to say they went to the gym.

And that’s when the anxiety turns to depression for me. I feel like I failed. Myself. My students.

Not everyone wants to change their lives. They actually want to be stuck and blame someone else for it.

Funny thing is,  I will forever try to pull them out only for them to pull me in…. is that healthy? No. and not very logical.

“I am me. I am a man, I am a sinner. But understand aren’t we all? So when it comes to passing judgment I don’t think you are the one to make the call

Heaven wanna cast me out for being me

I know there are others like me that’ll break the fall

I know you hate motherfuckers just can’t relate at all

If I’m the first one in line that’s fine I’ll take it all

Well Logic, he gon’ let them know. I ain’t perfect but I’m worth it, I’m alive, I deserve it. I been praying, I ain’t playing I don’t think you hear the words I’m saying I don’t think you know the weight on my shoulders that gets heavier as I get older…

Calling anybody calling anybody can you hear me?

I pray that you hear me I pray that you hear me”

Thank you Logic for telling your story and inspiring others to do the same…

Much love AK

Honestly

I sit here and watch people show up every day to the gym. The have the clothes, the shoes, sometimes the determination,  and always an excuse.  If you really want something, you will make it happen. You will set aside time for your workouts. You will wake up early or stay up late, and you sure as shit better watch what you put into your mouth because a bad diet can cancel out any hard work you’ve put in all week.

On the real, you cant take a spin class and then go to In-N-Out and expect to have abs.

I get called a bitch on the regular for just doing my job. That’s not ok. I try to keep it fresh and stay motivating. Encouraging,  day after day, class after class, week after week.

I actually care enough to want you to succeed. But I’m the bitch????? Guess what… I am also a person and this IS MY JOB. There is no clause in my job description that states that I am to take on your issues or be treated with disrespect.

I try to make sure that you are safe and comfortable and get a great workout… that IS my job. I want you to feel fantastic when you walk out of my class because you accomplished a goal you set for yourself. That’s my humanity…. or wait no,  that’s right… I am a bitch.

I will never disrespect you …. But push me hard enough and I  just no longer see you.

“before you read me you’ve got to learn how to see me”

So think about the person that you rely on for motivation. Understand that for every hour of class taught 3-4 have gone into planning, choosing the perfect music and routine. Remember that we too are human and have outside influences that may affect our energy or ability to focus.

Just like I cut you slack when I see you struggling, do the same for me. Be human, be kind…… you can never go wrong with an act of kindness and I’m willing to bet that if you give a little you will get a lot.

“I know where you been, where you are, where you are goin’

I know you are the reason I believe in life. What’s the day without a little night”? 

I’m just tryin to shed a little light, it can be hard, it can be so hard… 

But you gotta live  right now you got everything to give right now….”

Be nice…. A.K.

truth

 

With all the above being said lets get into this blog…. I am going to talk shit. I am going to try to inspire and motivate you. I will give you all of me because I believe that authenticity and transparency is mandatory in a relationship. I wouldn’t ask anyone to do something I wouldn’t do myself, so if I ask you to be honest with yourself I sure as shit better be honest with you AND with myself. There is freedom in truth. Its not always pretty or comfortable but tough shit. Life is isn’t pretty. Sometimes life is unbearable and beautiful at the same time. The ultimate dichotomy… pain and pleasure… love and hate. Here’s what is real… we are all the same. Some might fake it better or be wired different than you but we all feel the same thing at some point in our lives.

The key is to find someone who understands and loves you. The real you, not the front you put out or who think you need to be.  Be real. It doesn’t have to be your life partner or your soul mate….. Ideally it should be YOU.

Just so you never doubt my intention or my character I will give you some of me…. I was married two times. The first to a great guy…. Unfortunately a great guy with no motivation other than to make me happy…. Gentlemen let that be a lesson…. NO woman wants to be your everything. It is crucial that we respect and honor our men but that’s impossible to do if you are acting like my personal assistant or best friend. I have a best friend and could hire a personal assistant. Most woman want a man who they feel safe with, that they can trust to be faithful.  To stand next to them and catch them when they fall. Even the strongest woman has her moments of vulnerability and a strong man will stand in when needed and stand back when not.

That’s not something a woman can teach a man or should, those are qualities that they must aquire on their own.  I cheated on my first husband. Not something I am proud of. But since we are being honest…. I wasn’t happy in the marriage and I knew my husband would not ever leave or forgive my infidelity. Husband number 2… hmmmm you will be hearing a lot about him since he almost destroyed me.  Which in turn caused me to stand up and become the woman I am today.

But he did give me the most incredible gift, a child. A perfect daughter  who has taught me how to love. How to be a mother, and to live my life as an example. Because of her I have learned how to navigate through life. Without her I doubt I would still be here. I have grown more in the 15 years she has been on this earth than all the years before.

This is not the life I would have chosen for myself, I didn’t want children, especially a girl. But without a doubt this is the  life I was meant to live. I grew up with both my parents in a loving home, never would I thought I’d be a single mom but my Ex has this weakness called side chicks…..and I couldn’t do it. No one should have to. Breaking up my family was the hardest thing I’ve had to do.  Just know that in your darkest days you will find light… even if its just a flicker.  Ok that was a lot…. so I’ll leave you with the one who inspires me and often gives me strength…

“looking at my watch he should’ve been home, Today I regret the night I put that ring on. He’s always got them fucking excuses. I pray the lord you reveal what his truth is. I left a note in the hallway. By the time you read it, I’ll be far away. But I aint  fucking with nobody. Let’s toast to the good life. Suicide before you see this tear fall down  my eyes. Me and my baby we gon’ be alright. We got’ live a good life. Big homie better grow up. Me and my Hoodies bout to stroll up. I see them boppers in the corner, they sneaking out the backdoor… He only want me when I am not there.. He better call Becky with the good hair”

Keep it cute… A.K.

Fitness

So since fitness is a huge part of my life  I guess I should talk a little about that…. Being in the industry for over 25 years I’ve seen things… everything really. Heard every excuse… the whys and the  I cant’s (which really means I won’t). To be honest with you. I hate to workout. I am not that girl who wakes up every morning dying to put my workout clothes on and head to the gym… Yet that’s what I do every day, twice a day 6 days a week. Not because I love it, but because I love my job. My job as an instructor is to make sure you get your butt out of bed and into the gym and into my class. My job is to make sure you stay motivated, interested, focused and inspired. Is it easy? No. Fun? Not always. Worth it? Absolutely.

Truth…. Most people are lazy, they want something but don’t want to work for it. So I try to keep it fresh…. Change it up… make my students understand that I SEE them and appreciate them. Do I always come off that way? No. Do people love me? Ummm…. some but I am definitely an acquired taste.  I will tell you one thing, I am honest and I am real. I will not lie to you or let you believe that you are not worth the time and energy you are putting into yourself. I will be your biggest fan and worst nightmare. I will love you when you don’t and push your ass into working harder and getting stronger than you ever thought you could. I am in your corner and have your back. But I am not perfect and will never claim to be. I can be tough… too tough for some. I am rude, crude and do not tolerate people who lack common sense. Sometimes I have patience and sometimes I don’t. See I am human and not perfect and guess what neither are you.

Oh, what am I listening to???

“Look if you had one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted.. One moment. Would you capture it or just let it slip”- Lose Yourself…….. you might love where you find yourself.

A.K.

 

Intro…..

Ok here goes…. My first blog entry and the beginning of something, maybe something huge, maybe just the beginning of me being me…. First I’d like to introduce myself…I am a single mom, fitness instructor, friend, truth teller, daughter, sister, aunt, and ex-wife. I have lived a full life with many experiences most of which I plan to share with you. I promise to be honest even when it hurts…and to be real even when it’s unflattering. I have had the kind of life that funny stories are made of, some of which will be almost unbelievable… but I promise you they are true.  I hope to make you laugh, maybe even cry and will definitely entertain you. Hopefully, every so often you take pause and even feel motivated to change the way you were living that wasn’t quite working for you.

Somethings I say may resonate with you,  some might offend. Take it for what it is as it applies to you. Love me, hate me, write me off, even judge me… it’s all good… but that why I haven’t told you my name.

Currently, I am listening to Beyoncé. I always listen to music when I write… Why? Because I feel a connection to the artist even if it’s just a thru sick beat or relatable verse. But Beyoncé is different…she is Beyoncé and without knowing it or me, she wrote MY story in her last album, Lemonade. I loved her before but after I watched the visual album it but it changed me. It validated the pain I’ve felt and helped me to heal…. “Ashes to ashes…. Dust to side chicks.”

I believe that music feeds the soul and teaches us about life and ourselves. I joke that hip-hop music raised me and everything you need to know you will learn if you listen –carefully. But there is truth to that…. Getting inside the mind of a man if you are a woman is a gift and visa-versa. Most men and women don’t want to admit how they really see the opposite sex or their true intentions….. however if you turn that truth into a song or a rap verse its out there and accepted, even revered by the public. So I “do dream in color and in rhyme” and I will quote song and verse lyrics. I think Kanye West is a genius no matter how bad his behavior is. I fell in love with Lil Wayne the first time I heard him rap, I respect Beyoncé for choosing her family and her empire over her ego…. and to Jay-Z for owning his shit, sharing his story, and encouraging other men to have conversations about their truths and mistakes.

But, this blog isn’t about music, Hip Hop, or Beyoncé, it’s not even about me. It’s about you and every other person that reads it. It’s about humanity and how kindness and love ALWAYS prevails. Ladies, it’s about respecting yourself to know what is good for you and making good decisions. Men its about growing the fuck up and understanding what it is to be a MAN. I hope you remember that this is my opinion and just that. I am not trying to school you or get your validation.

“We are all here for a reason on a particular path. You don’t need a curriculum to know that you are apart of the math. Cats think I am delirious but I’m so damn serious. That’s why I expose my soul to the globe; the world. I’m trying to make it better for these boys and girls. I’m not just another individual, My spirit is a part of this that’s why its spiritual. But I get my hymns from Him so it’s not me it’s he that’s lyrical. I’m not a miracle, I’m a heaven-sent instrument.” K.West

See what I mean?

I look forward to this journey together…. As I open myself up to you I grow…  and maybe you will feel something you want to share and so it begins…..

“Come harder this won’t be easy don’t doubt yourself trust me you need me. This ain’t no shoulder with a chip or an ego. But what do you think they all mad at me for? You need a real woman in your life that’s a good look…..”

A.K.