“I am standing in front of you, I am trying to be so cool, everything together trying to be so cool” – Screen Twenty-one Pilots
This is not entirely true…. don’t get it twisted… I am cool but not at the expense of raising my daughter.
See, I do sweat the small stuff. I believe in structure and rules. I try to give reasons WHY my daughter should or shouldn’t behave a certain way. To honor herself, and her body, to be a good friend and to think before making emotional decisions. I really wish my Mom would have done the same for me…. but whatever, this way we grow together. As I parent her, I also parent myself. Unfortunately, I am doing this alone.
Being mom and dad REALLY sucks in certain areas…. for instance: teaching children how to ride a bike, then to drive a car. Vacation planning. Concert going. Driving and picking up… anywhere and everywhere. Shopping with an emotional teenager. Watching every single gymnastics competition, dance recital, and every football game and cheer competition. Wanting to be Mom 24/7 but having to be Dad and go to work. Being both the bad guy, and the one who she runs to for comfort and advise. And no matter how hard I try to be everywhere, I still miss so many moments.
Fuck, its all hard solo who am I kidding. But I do it. I do it for her and honestly, I do it for me.
See I grew up knowing I had one person in my corner, on my side…my biggest fan, my ride or die: My father. He was without a doubt the best dad I could have asked for. For what my mother lacked in parenting he made up for and was always there for me no matter what.
So here I find myself in a situation that is so foreign to me… no male role model for my daughter. I turn myself inside out to try to make up for the thing that I have no control over. Try to fill the space that’s not my job to fill. But I do it anyway. Just because her father is not capable of being that doesn’t mean she should suffer any more than she already does. “we’re broken, we’re broken, we’re broken people, we’re broken people”
My father passed away in 1999. He never even met my daughter but I know that she would be his everything. It makes me so sad that the love that I know he already had for her she is unable to feel.
“while you are doing fine, there’s some people and I who have a really tough time getting through this life so excuse us while we sing to the sky”.
Today I watched my heart leave for cheer camp… this cool mom cries…as always.
I see the excitement in her face and I can’t help but be grateful that she has something in her life that gives her such joy. She has friends, a best friend who is such a blessing to me. I think that life is so much sweeter if you have at least one best friend who is there for you no matter. I can’t be that to her as much as I want to be so to my second daughter (you know who you are… I am so grateful for and love you).
In the end, it’s all ok, good even, for now at least. I will never give up on her or our journey together. Time flies as they say and I am beginning to look at my life without her being the nucleus. It scares the shit out of me and I can only pray that all the nagging and discipline will sink in and she will make good choices for her self…. and that she calls me 10 times a day :).
“and now that I write and think about it as the story unfolds, you should take my life, you should take my soul”
“you are surrounding all my surroundings twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes.”
“And I’ll be holding on to you….”
“Lean with it rock with it when we gonna stop with it.. It is time to move our feet to an introspective beat. It isn’t the speakers that bump hard it’s our hearts that make the beat”
“And I’ll be holding on to you, and I’ll be holding on to YOU”
In memory of my father and to mother/daughter memories of Twenty-one Pilots concerts.