“Check it out. One, two, three. In this place to be its plain to see…..”
“She was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, the way she clicked her heels and threw her fist in the sky,…..too tight.”
“whoa-oh-oh she’s the cutest thing in the world, oh yea…….oh whoa-oh-oh she’s my lil- hipster girl-” LMFAO.
The first game of the season!! I LOVE game day. Not because I like football, or sitting in the stands or even because I have school spirit.
I love game day because I get to watch my daughter cheer. Yes, I am slightly extra when it comes to her but we’ve had some pretty low lows so to watch her in her element: Happy, confident…… shining. It brings me such joy. And yes I cry, every time I see her cheer I cry. Tears of joy, because I am so proud of her and tears of sadness because with every game another week goes by… time that is moving way too fast. Soon she will be cheering on Friday nights as a Varsity cheerleader and then…. its over. The four years of high school are gone. Ok, I’m skipping ahead, but shit it seemed like yesterday was the first day of kindergarten…….
She ran to the classroom excited to meet new friends, never once did she look back. She had on a new outfit, a new backpack and was looking and feeling very cute. She was all about school, mostly the social aspects, but no matter… she was happy. Happy to be there and a part of something new. I stood at the window looking in and you guessed it.. cried.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock because I was told I could never have children and honestly never really wanted any. But then once I told her dad and everyone else I knew, it became real. I remember thanking God daily for trusting me with one of his angels and soaking it in everyday as life grew inside me. I prayed for a boy, mostly because of my own strained relationship with my mother. I wasn’t sure how well I’d deal with a little girl wearing dresses and spinning around with bows in her hair (remember I wear workout clothes most of the time).
I loved being pregnant. Aside from the constant fighting with my soon to be husband I had not one problem. I was grown (33) so ready to settle down and really dig into motherhood. As it turned out her dad wasn’t. So looking back, the single parenting started when I was pregnant. Even though we did get married, and then divorced. I’ve always really been a single mom. Its always been my lil hipster girl and me.
When I found out I was having a girl, I cried… again. Then I became determined to raise her the way my father raised me. Starting with naming her a boys name, I knew she’d be special and I wanted her to stand out from the jump. Walking AND talking at 8 months didn’t give me much time to learn how to parent an infant, but I did my best. I told her I loved her a million times a day and glory to God we formed a bond that still is a force stronger than anything. She went everywhere with me, she is still my favorite companion.
I remember picking her up from my mom’s house one day and my mom saying “she is so in love with you” and I replied, “I am so in love with her”. In the insanity of life, what else is there but love? It beats the shit out of fear. And drives me to be better every single day. Not just for her, but for me. I want to be prepared so if she comes to me (which she usually still does) for advice, I have something to help and guide her. Something that makes sense that she can learn from.
My love for her has kept me sober and strong. I am who I am today because of this little girl who gave me the courage to get up and get out when my marriage became unhealthy. The strength to beat a nasty cocaine addiction before it ruined both of our lives. The push I needed to follow my dreams and start this blog. See when I say she is everything, she really is.
One game day down, and as always she was perfect, she will always be perfect to me.
“Sometimes, these walls seem to cave in on me. When I look in your eyes, I feel alive. Some days, we say words that don’t mean a thing. But when you’re holding me tight, I feel alive”
“Make it last forever, come on baby, won’t you hold on to me, hold on to me. You and I together, come on baby, won’t you hold onto me, hold onto me”
“We gotta hold on, I gotta hold on. You’ve got to hold on, you’ve got a hold on me.”
“We gotta hold on, I gotta hold on. You’ve got to hold on, you’ve got a hold on me””
“you and I forever”-Blue-Beyonce’
Dedicated to my favorite daughter, the love of my life and the pain in my ass….