Friday I was having a day, everything made me cry. I would’ve won the academy award in Extra if they had such a category. So I took the evening off work and sat down to write.
I wrote the best blog to date. I was to the point, insightful, spot on. As I was writing, I was truly understanding where all these emotions were coming from. It was like a therapy session and blog entry combined. Three hours and many edits later I complete the masterpiece…. I am one second from posting and I accidentally swiped right on my mouse. I look at my screen, the blog is GONE. I panicked, of course, and tried to figure out what the hell happened.
Long story short… I have NO IDEA and I haven’t been able to recover the data.
Just Breathe. Let it go. It wasn’t meant to be. Fuck that, I was devastated.
Two days later, I’m back on my computer ready to open myself up and look at why I lost my shit. The truth is I don’t handle disappointment well, and I was disappointed.
My daughter feels that I place unrealistic expectations on other people and am disappointed when they don’t live up to them. She is right, but here is the real: I place unrealistic expectations on MYSELF and then project them onto others. It’s not a good look. But it explains a lot. Once I realized that I have been working very hard on modifying my behavior and changing the way I think about others and mostly about myself.
Being honest with your self is hard. At a young age, we create ideas of WHO we should be instead of embracing who we ARE. Maybe its the influence of another person, a living situation, the media… everyone is different. But Mask off, who do you see?
Personally, I had convinced myself that If I wanted to be a badass bitch, a strong woman, that I had to control my emotions. I never cried, never showed weakness. In crisis, I was a beast, nothing could break me. Once the crisis was over, then I fell apart. See, we can’t be strong all the time. Who says we have to be? Being vulnerable and transparent are scary things to be but are also freeing. And who doesn’t want to feel free?
You’d be surprised… change is hard and if you have lived your life a certain way for any period of time it is going to be uncomfortable to rewire yourself and be any different than you were.
But what’s the alternative? Continuing to be unhappy? Maybe you aren’t, maybe you are content in the way your life is going. But as we grow older and wiser we realize that our old ways are no longer working. As we continually evolve as people shouldn’t we also let go of the things that are holding us down? The fear that is preventing us from moving forward? Honestly, what could be so bad with tearing down those walls, letting yourself feel, even if hurts? At least now you are able to live in your truth.
Sounds pretty good to me.
“We gotta make a change. Its time for us as a people to start making some changes. Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live, and let’s change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn’t working so it on us to do what we gotta do, to survive”
“That’s just the way it is. Things will never be the same. That’s just the way it is. Aww yeah” 2Pac- changes
Be You even if people don’t understand or like it, that’s their problem… this is YOUR life.
Carry on…. A.K.