Anxiety: an emotion characterized by an unpleasant state of inner turmoil, often accompanied by nervous behavior such as pacing back and forth, stomach pains, and constant worrying.
No, I’m not the bitch, (in this particular situation anyway) my anxiety is. I haven’t blogged for a week and I have no real reason why… that gives me anxiety. My daughter is with her father and his family this weekend… that gives me anxiety. And in less than a week I get to FINALLY see my all time favorite hip-hop musicians and performers The Carters (Beyonce’ and Jay-Z) and that gives me massive anxiety.
Why? it’s hard to explain if you don’t experience it yourself. And if you don’t, be grateful, I wouldn’t wish this feeling on my worst enemy.
I can’t remember when it even started for me. Somedays nothing bothers me, others I literally feel like crawling out of my skin…. wanting to be anyone else. Anywhere else.
Ironically, my job requires me to open up a part of me to hundreds of people every week. Sometimes I could give a shit about what they think of me. Others, I am so in my head about what they do think I can barely breathe.
I started having panic attacks when my daughter was young. Being addicted to cocaine certainly didn’t help, but the feeling of a panic attack is real. I felt like I was truly going to die. In addition to the mental aspect of it, your body follows suit. Your heart starts racing, your adrenaline goes into overdrive and which causes nausea and hyperventilation. Chemicals are released into your bloodstream that can have long-term effects. They are a blast. What sucks the most is they are impossible to predict and unfortunately you just have to ride them out. Once you have one, they often come frequently. But I am happy to say it has been a while since I’ve been hit with one.
Then there is social anxiety…… that’s the real bitch. This type of anxiety is debilitating. Some people suffer from it so intensely that they are unable to leave their homes, preventing them from truly living their life. Home is comfortable. Safe.
I just read that singer Kehlani suffers from agoraphobia. She reached out on Twitter that she had finally left her house after 3 weeks. The outpour of support and encouragement touched me. It also made me realize that so many people feel the same way only they are ashamed to admit it.
“Its okay not to be okay. To dive into your pain. And its alright not to be alright. To search for your light. And its all good not be all good. To feel like you shouldn’t have to feel any better”
“I have my days when I am upside-down, Topsy-turvey. I have my days when I am not myself, and I’m not worried. I have my nights when I am not anxious to wake up and feel any better”
“I don’t know nobody who thinks they’re somebody 24/7. I don’t know nobody who smiles at everyone 24/7. You gotta lose you just a little. Lose your cool just a little. I won’t judge you even a little, I know your sick of it”-Kehlani 24/7
My advice: Live in your truth, talk about your fears. Find someone who understands you and reach out to them when you are struggling. It’s okay, YOU are okay.
As for me….. I am going to live it up and have the time of my life at the Carters. I will not allow this condition to stop me from laughing and dancing and acting a fool. I know I will be okay because I have my girls by my side and I have nothing to be afraid of… and I get to see BEYONCE!!!!
Stay tuned for the post-concert blog…… I’m sure it will be a good one.
In truth and freedom…. A.K.