No,​ I didn’t forget that I write a blog….

I’ve been busy… doing what? Oh, being pathetic and ridicules, dramatic and difficult. Best not to write during those times…. Misery does not, in fact, love company.  You get a few good complaints in and keep it moving. No one cares about your sad, sad, situation. Ok well maybe somebody cares but you never want to exhaust that source.

Anyway, we are already halfway through the holiday season and I haven’t done anything drastic to my hair or behaved in such a way that would embarrass myself and others.. (in public), so that’s a plus. Yes, I am still listening to Christmas carols in the car 24/7 but that is the Kellie Christmas car rule so everyone can suck it.

I survived a kidless thanksgiving and 9 days of being teenager free, which also meant 9 days alone with my mother. No one died.  All good.

It’s interesting to look back at the years before and wonder why it was so imperative that we had traditional holidays. Turning ourselves inside out for the approval of someone that you will NEVER receive. Living in the “well we always do this or do that. So what?

Was it working?

Were you having fun?

Probably not, yet we hold on so tight to an idea or a messed up memory about how things should be. Fuck that. That’s not real. What is real is messy and embarrassing and its no one’s business. Whew, that felt good.  But seriously, this is the first year that I was just was me. I didn’t go where I usually do because honestly, I don’t belong. It is no longer appropriate and I need to leave my past in the past. I didn’t get anxious about meeting someone new for my future. I was just here being me. Its been a little lonely but its also been enlighting and peaceful. The best part of all of it is that I finally get to do Christmas this year my way. Ok now I have no idea what my way is, and my mother is VERY bossy at times. But for the first time in years, I don’t have to kiss my baby bye bye on Christmas or anytime around it. I get to have her all to myself.

Today, I am not anxious on November 25th about what will happen on December 25th because this year is different, and different is good. I look forward to sharing my adventures with you, this season especially. I plan on keeping it cute and fun, and most importantly,  positive. We know how something can go south so quickly…… Let’s keep looking North (But like to Santa, not West, even though she is a cutie), and make it fun. Laugh. be silly. Love. TTYL (haha) A.K.

 

 

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A blessing and a curse

Ah, the holidays. The best of times and the worst of times. Funny how a time frame just 6 weeks or so can impact someone’s life so much. For most people, the holidays are a time to be stressed out, overextended and generally miserable. For others, it’s a lonely time. I can speak from experience on this one. The holidays inevitably draw the other parent (if you are a single one) out of the woodwork, only to fuck up your plans and ruin your day. I mean, see the child you share, fuck up your plans,  and ruin your day.

The last month or so has been rough for me. It all peaked last week with me putting my robe on over my workout clothes and crawling into bed, at 2pm on a Wednesday. That is not normal behavior for me. I haven’t colored my grey roots in 2 months, not normal behavior for me… and don’t even get me started on my toes, or my legs that haven’t seen a razor is in wayyyyy too long.

Why the sudden change in me? A conglomeration of shit that I am doing my best to process but most of it is out of my hands. A situation that I could have avoided if I just didn’t procrastinate so much, knowing that all this crap could have been avoided if I just handled my business…. Is that enough for a pity party?

No, actually it’s not. Because guess what? My house is still standing. My friends are still alive (the few that I have). And I will clean up my mess and become an active member of society again. Sometimes we get blindsided by something we can’t control. And sometimes if we planned ahead and took things day by day, moment by moment, the shitstorm can be prevented.

So here I am, writing again (yey), and currently waiting for my roots to process….

YOU GOTTA GET UP…. especially when you don’t want to and the rabbit hole is calling to you. GET UP. Find something to do that is productive and brings you joy. One foot in front of the other…. just keep moving.

And if none of that helps turn on some Christmas carols….. and sing.

Love you always, A.K.

Shade

“Acting in a casual or disrespectful manner towards someone, DISSING A FRIEND. A light comment with slight disrespect towards an individual”-Urban Dictionary

People are a trip. I never seek out drama or information that isn’t my business, yet such information always makes its way to me. Then once you know. you know. What I find interesting is that while we all know people love to talk, why we feel the overwhelming need to tell and hear other peoples stories.

I am often asked “where is *&^$ or @#%$, my standard answer: “I don’t know”…. Of course, I know. Its just none of your damn business. I don’t tell other peoples stories so don’t ask.

I have a motto that helps when being there for a friend who may be having issues with their men. “No cheating or beating” Which means I promise to do my best to stay neutral and let you vent without judgment. I might give you advise or just listen….. Unless they cheat or beat, then I will step in. So be careful what you tell me.

I try my best to be a friend and treat others with respect and hold my tongue (most of the time). That’s of course unless you ask……

Ironically, I have people that used to be my friend, best friends even who no longer speak to me. No big fight, no real reason.  Just bye. I cherish my friendships so all of these break-ups were a lot harder than I thought they’d be. It’s a different type of loss with a friend.

Then I remember “it’s them and not you” and although I say it often to others, it FEELS very different. Maybe it IS me.

But then the most interesting thing was revealed to me. These past friends still follow me on social media, and even read the blog! Now that’s crazy, you don’t want to be my friend but you are interested in my life?

Why? To throw shade. To find something that can be twisted into ME throwing shade on you, so you now can justify not being my friend (but you are the one still keeping tabs on me)? Ooof that’s a lot and reads a little egocentric on my part but I promise you its true.

Modern day social media hacking is easy and like I said information often just comes to me.  So then I thought… why not? Why not write a blog and shade the shit out of these individuals….. Because you never feed the beast. And you NEVER want to allow someone to feel relevant in your life when they are not.

Besides its just messy. Nobody likes messy

 

A.K.