I’ve been busy… doing what? Oh, being pathetic and ridicules, dramatic and difficult. Best not to write during those times…. Misery does not, in fact, love company. You get a few good complaints in and keep it moving. No one cares about your sad, sad, situation. Ok well maybe somebody cares but you never want to exhaust that source.
Anyway, we are already halfway through the holiday season and I haven’t done anything drastic to my hair or behaved in such a way that would embarrass myself and others.. (in public), so that’s a plus. Yes, I am still listening to Christmas carols in the car 24/7 but that is the Kellie Christmas car rule so everyone can suck it.
I survived a kidless thanksgiving and 9 days of being teenager free, which also meant 9 days alone with my mother. No one died. All good.
It’s interesting to look back at the years before and wonder why it was so imperative that we had traditional holidays. Turning ourselves inside out for the approval of someone that you will NEVER receive. Living in the “well we always do this or do that. So what?
Was it working?
Were you having fun?
Probably not, yet we hold on so tight to an idea or a messed up memory about how things should be. Fuck that. That’s not real. What is real is messy and embarrassing and its no one’s business. Whew, that felt good. But seriously, this is the first year that I was just was me. I didn’t go where I usually do because honestly, I don’t belong. It is no longer appropriate and I need to leave my past in the past. I didn’t get anxious about meeting someone new for my future. I was just here being me. Its been a little lonely but its also been enlighting and peaceful. The best part of all of it is that I finally get to do Christmas this year my way. Ok now I have no idea what my way is, and my mother is VERY bossy at times. But for the first time in years, I don’t have to kiss my baby bye bye on Christmas or anytime around it. I get to have her all to myself.
Today, I am not anxious on November 25th about what will happen on December 25th because this year is different, and different is good. I look forward to sharing my adventures with you, this season especially. I plan on keeping it cute and fun, and most importantly, positive. We know how something can go south so quickly…… Let’s keep looking North (But like to Santa, not West, even though she is a cutie), and make it fun. Laugh. be silly. Love. TTYL (haha) A.K.