The dark place

“I wish we could turn back time, to the good ole days… when our mom would sing us to sleep, but now we’re stressed out…… We used to play pretend, give each other different names. We would build a rocket ship and we’d fly it far away..¬†Used to dream of outer space but now they are laughing in our face saying “wake up. you need to make money”.

“I was told when I was older all my fears would shrink, but now I’m insecure and care what people think… My name is blurry face and I care what you think…I wish we could turn back time to the good ole days….. But now we’re stressed out”….. Twenty-one pilots

The dark place, also known as depression, is a motherfucker. It ruins lives, relationships, turns beautiful things ugly and sometimes just won’t let go. If you have never been to the dark place, be grateful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. If you have, well then, you already know. 

I wish I could say I was one of the those who only read about depression or hears stories of how it controls you. But I am not. I can lie and say I am okay. But some of the time, I am not. I wish I knew what to do when it hits, but I don’t.

 Oh, I’ve tried therapy and antidepressants. We all know that I get enough exercise and try to eat right. But still, when I least expect it I will wake up one morning and there I am in the dark. I am sharing this with you not because I want your sympathy but because I want to know that you are not alone. For most people depression makes us want to isolate ourselves, stay in bed and sleep our life away, but that’s not realistic is it?

We all have responsibilities, family, jobs and people who depend on us. Staying in bed won’t get your kid to school on time though right? So here is what you do… You get up. You get out and if you are like me maybe you cry all day for no reason, but you don’t let the dark control you or consume your life. Why? Because we need you. I need you, and I see you. I see you struggling and I know how you feel but only you can make that move. Only you can decide if its the dark or the light. Only you decide if you stay or if you go.

Yes, I do realize that I am speaking directly to myself here, But I bet you can relate. In some way even if you haven’t felt it yourself you know someone, have seen someone in this type of pain. Maybe in the past, you have chose to judge or even ignore them. Attached some type of stigma to them…. calling them mental or dramatic. Its okay, you are human and we often judge what we don’t understand. But now I am asking you to stop that thought process and treat those who you know are suffering with compassion. Be kind, ask how they are, maybe even give them a hug. I may not know a lot but I know this… NO ONE wants to feel sad, hopeless or unloved. And given the choice, I doubt anyone would choose the dark.

So whats the point of this blog really? I’ve written before about depression and anxiety what’s different this time?  Hope. Just when you think you will never get out of the dark… a hand reaches in and pulls you out. For me, this hand lives “across the pond”, in another country. I may never even meet this miracle that saved me from myself.  The light that through a random source reached out to me at the perfect time and said the perfect thing without even trying. Someone who makes me laugh and want to be okay. Will I ever meet this man? I don’t know. I am not sure it matters but I will tell you that when my faith was at an all-time low God showed up for me and sent me exactly what I needed. 

Today I am grateful. Today I am blessed. Today I am out of the dark……

Sending you all love and light….A.K.





Advertisements

Can we be nice NOW?

Ok, people come on, its the frickin holidays! Can you at least smile? I hate when people tell me to smile, but seriously this being an asshole is the new black is getting boring. It seems to happen earlier and earlier each year too. It used to be that people were stressed out and RUDE the week before the holidays but now it seems to start in late October. 

The question that continues to live in my mind… does being mean to me make you feel better?

I sure hope so because it really sucks to be mistreated with no payoff.  And NO it doesn’t make ME feel better to be an asshole back.

Today is December 2nd, last month of the year. Last chance to get it right (till the next). Can we at least try to be kind and compassionate? Just this month, hold your tongue, open a door for someone, SMILE. Do something that gives you NO payoff. It’s challenging but worth it.

Make it about someone else (in a good way), be generous and give with joy. 

Change your thought process every morning to how amazing it is to be living through another holiday season. To see your children grow up, and all your hard work pay off.

Live. Live in the moment. Let it consume you, you will never get that moment back. Try to stay present, its amazing the things we miss when we allow ourselves to go into auto pilot.

You determine your day, your path, your life. Choose life and always choose love. Oh and start……right now….

love ya….A.K.