The dark place

“I wish we could turn back time, to the good ole days… when our mom would sing us to sleep, but now we’re stressed out…… We used to play pretend, give each other different names. We would build a rocket ship and we’d fly it far away.. Used to dream of outer space but now they are laughing in our face saying “wake up. you need to make money”.

“I was told when I was older all my fears would shrink, but now I’m insecure and care what people think… My name is blurry face and I care what you think…I wish we could turn back time to the good ole days….. But now we’re stressed out”….. Twenty-one pilots

The dark place, also known as depression, is a motherfucker. It ruins lives, relationships, turns beautiful things ugly and sometimes just won’t let go. If you have never been to the dark place, be grateful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. If you have, well then, you already know. 

I wish I could say I was one of the those who only read about depression or hears stories of how it controls you. But I am not. I can lie and say I am okay. But some of the time, I am not. I wish I knew what to do when it hits, but I don’t.

 Oh, I’ve tried therapy and antidepressants. We all know that I get enough exercise and try to eat right. But still, when I least expect it I will wake up one morning and there I am in the dark. I am sharing this with you not because I want your sympathy but because I want to know that you are not alone. For most people depression makes us want to isolate ourselves, stay in bed and sleep our life away, but that’s not realistic is it?

We all have responsibilities, family, jobs and people who depend on us. Staying in bed won’t get your kid to school on time though right? So here is what you do… You get up. You get out and if you are like me maybe you cry all day for no reason, but you don’t let the dark control you or consume your life. Why? Because we need you. I need you, and I see you. I see you struggling and I know how you feel but only you can make that move. Only you can decide if its the dark or the light. Only you decide if you stay or if you go.

Yes, I do realize that I am speaking directly to myself here, But I bet you can relate. In some way even if you haven’t felt it yourself you know someone, have seen someone in this type of pain. Maybe in the past, you have chose to judge or even ignore them. Attached some type of stigma to them…. calling them mental or dramatic. Its okay, you are human and we often judge what we don’t understand. But now I am asking you to stop that thought process and treat those who you know are suffering with compassion. Be kind, ask how they are, maybe even give them a hug. I may not know a lot but I know this… NO ONE wants to feel sad, hopeless or unloved. And given the choice, I doubt anyone would choose the dark.

So whats the point of this blog really? I’ve written before about depression and anxiety what’s different this time?  Hope. Just when you think you will never get out of the dark… a hand reaches in and pulls you out. For me, this hand lives “across the pond”, in another country. I may never even meet this miracle that saved me from myself.  The light that through a random source reached out to me at the perfect time and said the perfect thing without even trying. Someone who makes me laugh and want to be okay. Will I ever meet this man? I don’t know. I am not sure it matters but I will tell you that when my faith was at an all-time low God showed up for me and sent me exactly what I needed. 

Today I am grateful. Today I am blessed. Today I am out of the dark……

Sending you all love and light….A.K.





5 thoughts on “The dark place

  1. Thanks for sharing your inner-most feelings and thoughts. Most of us are afraid to share, but you are courageous!!! This will help all of us to extend a helping hand to someone who is searching for brightness.

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  2. Thank you for sharing Kellie. I was in that place about two months ago. I heard this song when I was asleep and when I woke up I knew God was not ready for me yet. The song was Oh no never give up through the calm and through the storm. Since this happened I am so grateful I did not give up. I am so grateful Kellie that you have not given up. Everyday I wake up I am thankful and try to give people encouragement just like you give us. Just know that you are loved.

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