March 10…. One day before my birthday, a big one, and I finally open my computer to try to articulate what my life/our lives look like since the last time I wrote…..
Currently, my Mother is living in the hospital. She has been diagnosed with Stage 4 Metasatic lung cancer. Breathe…… Okay, so its bad. It sucks. But this is now our new normal.
Within a very short time we went from regular ole dysfunction, to our worlds blowing up, to this…. Acceptance, and being present as much as possible. Its tough, we’ve had so many changes, one day is so different from the next. But in all of the ups, downs, ins, and outs, I keep looking for the beauty in it…. The good news, I am able to find it. Most days anyway.
My relationship with my brother has been given new life and the man I always felt like was my partner in crime I now talk to and see on almost a daily basis. With that comes my improved relationships with his three oldest children, who are now adults. They bring me joy, laughter, and support through the dark times. Then, there is my daughter, my perfect angel, who I really thought I may have lost to her teenage years…. We have come together stronger than ever. Navigating our way through the day by day, living our lives without my mom here to run interferance and reminding us not to forget….
But I am sad, so sad, and angry, livid really…and every other emotion you feel when there is a loss. Even though my mom is fighting her hardest to stay alive, to give us more time together, I miss her. God, I miss her so much. I miss her laugh and her sick sense of humor. I sit in the house we share and just look around for hours. She is everywhere, that gives me peace, but it also hurts like hell. She wants me to get my own things and make the house the way I want it. But I cant. I am not ready to let her go.
I haven’t really wanted to write about it and I still don’t because its still so raw. But it’s not over, every week brings a new challenge, a new set of tears and frustration. We will continue to fight, to be strong, for her and for each other. In this I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was, that the petty bullshit that I was so angry about is gone. That I am capable of being just her daughter who loves and respects her so much. The woman that I thought taught me nothing really taught me everything…. That is what I draw from everytime I think I can’t do this or don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. If she can, I can. Besides its not forever, nothing is.
“Let’s stop. Let’s dance for a while. Heaven can wait we’re only watching the skies. Hoping for the best but expecting the worst are you gonna drop the bomb or not? Let us die young or let us live forever. We don’t have the power, but we never say never. Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip. The music’s for the sad man. Forever young I wanna be forever young.. do you really want to live forever? and ever and ever”-
Dedicated to my Mommy, no matter what happens or how long we have its been such an amazing trip with you….You bring me joy and laughter everytime I see you. You continue to inspire and motivate me to be better. I love you more than I thought I did and I forever will….