“Don’t you give up nah nah nah. I won’t give up nah nah nah. Let me love you….
My life has become a series of stories. Some so outrageous you will be sure that I am embellishing. I’m not. Just in the past few weeks everyday brings a new story for me to share with my students, to laugh about and to learn from. While we have lost someone so dear to us in our small family we gained something so much bigger…. each other.
My brother and I were very close as children, only 2 1/2 years apart, we were playmates, best friends and loved each other even when we didn’t.
My mother used to tell me a story about this little girl on the beach (me) she was only 2 years old but had already made her personality known to family and friends. One day a bunch of mean boys were bullying her older brother. That little girl got up from the masterpiece sandcastle she was making and stomped over to those boys, shook her fists in their faces and screamed “leave my brother alone”. And they did.
As we grew older my brother protected me more than I did him, but every so often I would step in for battle. Each time my mom would say “ooh there she is, the little girl at the beach”.
Losing our father was awful for my brother and I. My dad was like no other, a man’s man. That guy. Unfortunately, we didn’t have much time to grieve his somewhat sudden death because our maternal grandmother who raised, us passed away only two months after. Yes it did suck. Very badly. Losing the two people that defined my youth almost at the same time changed me. Not for the better either. I pulled away from my family, abandoning my mother to go through the process of losing her husband and mother alone. One of my biggest regrets, by the way. No one should have to do that. I was angry and selfish and a bitch. If I would I could but I can’t so I WILL…. move forward.
Forward was less than a year later back in the hospital now with my Mom being diagnosed with the first of many cancers she survived. This time I was minus a husband (death does interesting things to a marriage), and determined not to fuck up again. It was year 2000 and that is when my relationship with my mother really started. But this blog isnt about her. Lord knows shes gotten enough attention lately……… (oh I am kidding).
This blog is about love. It’s about seeing the people in your life for who THEY are and loving them in a way that serves them NOT YOU. It’s about doing something for someone because you CAN and WANT to make thier lives a little lighter. It’s about putting what you want aside to truly be selfless and supportive.
It’s not easy, loving unconditionally, there is no room for judgment or opinions. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU or what YOU think, it’s about loving and supporting someone else’s plan, path, ideas, etc. So where does that leave us? Love is an emotion but it is also a decision. A decision to love no matter what. A committment to someone that no matter how bad their behavior may be you will ALWAYS love them. Now I do realize that gets tricky in romantic love relationships but it doesn’t have to. I had this thought the other day “Life is scary and life is beautiful”. At the time I was wanting the beauty but living in the fear. Then something changed. I started to push through the fear….. you what I found? Life is beautiful. Don’t miss it. Not one moment. Always choose love.
“I used to believe we were burning on the edge of something beautiful. Selling a dream. Smoke and mirrors keep us waiting on a miracle. Say go through the darkest of days, heaven is a heartbreak away, never let you go, never let me down. Oh its been a hell of a ride, driving the edge of the knife. Never let you go, never let me down”
“Don’t you give up nah nah nah I won’t give up nah nah nah Let me love you.”
Dedicated to my hero, my big brother, I love you………….the little girl at the beach