2.0

When she emerged from the rubble and dust that had once been her life, she came out shiny and new, I call her 2.0.

Very dramatic intro! Well if you haven’t guessed, 2.0 is me. Post the teenage struggle that caused my daughter to be removed from our house. Post Mommy getting sick and spending unnecessary time in the hospital (had 2.0 been around, that would’ve been different). To finally releasing my mom from the pain she was enduring and been for so long. To end the suffering and encouraging her to reunite with my father. The first six months of the year are a blur to me. It’s probably for the best, 2.0 has work to do.

Every day I wake up I tell myself that it is going to be a good day. 2.0 is on the job and things are coming together. My to-do list is smaller and I feel lighter every day.

My daughter and I are finding our way, AGAIN. It’s been difficult. I am actually surprised how hard it has been because we’ve always been so close. These days, I can’t seem to get to her, to hold her, to let her know that everything is going to be okay. Her walls are pretty high. Maybe that’s her grieving or maybe it’s just being a teenager.

Before we moved in with my mom I was a do-er. The problem was she was an overachiever… and since I worked and was gone a lot I just let her do her thing. Now those are some hard shoes to fill. My mom was ON IT. I am NOT. Problem. I gotta up my game, Mommy isn’t here to save me anymore.

So that’s what I have been doing, upping my game. Being her and me=2.0.

Wednesday, my daughter discovered a wasps nest in our porch, ya NO that’s not staying, I thought. I wasn’t sure what to do so I grabbed the hose and squirted as hard as I could using my thumb to add pressure (you know what I am talking about). Nothing. I look down and to be honest I have no idea if my mother just put it there or it had been there for months, but there was a can of wasp nest destroyer. I picked up the can and aimed it at the nest. Explosion, wasps nest is gone. Good for 2.0.

The entire day seemed to consist of adult-like behavior, cleaning, the gardeners came (and didn’t cry ). I spoke to the city (again) about cutting down a tree. I even updated my calendar. This is the first time I’ve actually had a calendar…. and man that kid of mine is busy.  2.0 is now a cheer and school mom as well as a regular mom.  No way am I going to miss anything or have my little cheerleaders’ life affected because I can’t get my shit together.

Time for practice for her and back to work for me. We get in the car and proceed to drive straight past the school. I look up and finally realize we are in Mentone. (The high school is exactly 1.2 miles from my house, Mentone is not). I scream and look for a place to turn the car around. Now, my daughter will be late to practice and have to suffer horrible consequences like 10 sit-ups! (rolling my eyes and biting my tongue).

As I was trying to calm her down and tell her it would be ok. I said “blame me, tell them it was my fault” (I mean, it already is, isn’t it? ALWAYS MY fault). She said, “Ok I’ll tell them you got lost”. “NO! I said if those cheer moms catch wind that I got lost taking you to practice to a school I go to two times a day they will really think I’ve lost it. Or on drugs!” “Tell them I inhaled too much bug spray while killing the wasps and spiders and fell asleep (partly true BTW). She just rolls her eyes and got out of the car and ran into practice.

Fuck man, and I was having such a 2.0 day.

 

 

Advertisements

Tuesday was a very bad day

I  am going to begin this blog by telling you that MONDAY was a very good day. I set goals and accomplished them. Tied up loose ends, and crossed things off my todo list. My daughter even came to my class that evening. It was a very good day.

Tuesday, I woke up excited because one of my friends whom I adore was going to take my cycle class. I did all of my morning chores, got in the car ON TIME and then 10 minutes into my drive hit traffic that lasted my entire 17-mile trip to work. Consequently, I was late which I HATE.

I like to arrive at the gym 15 min or more early because it takes me FOREVER to set up my for my class (my students are all shaking their heads yes right now). And I like to chat or complain, or just connect with my crew before I kick their asses.

On Tuesdays, I typically teach 5 classes. 3 in a row at one location, then I drive to a second location to teach a 12-noon class. In the evening I go back out and usually just teach one but often sub another. All at different gyms. It’s a lot but, this the job I have chosen and most of the time other than being tired my evenings go off without a hitch. Because the class I often sub is at a 4th location I arrange for another instructor to come in and finish my 5:30 class so I can make it to the 6:30 class which is across town in time. Both clubs are fairly local so it usually not a problem.

4:50 I drop of my daughter and her bff to cheer practice. Now that I am a REAL single mom I have to do all the drop off’s and pickups that my mom used to. I arrange for a ride home for the girls and I am off to work. 4:55 I jump on the 10 freeway headed west. It is about an 8-mile drive. 5:01 traffic stops. No movement, a parking lot. I look at the clock and think glad I left early today. 5:06 still not moving. I call the instructor who is supposed to take my class and then do my last 15 minutes to see her status and let her know I may be late. 5:07 my stomach starts rolling.

Lets back this up for a second (this may too graphic for some of you, but I assure you, this is my life). I suffer from very bad IBS. Irritable bowel syndrome. I have had it most of my life, but of course, it flares up at the times when I am particularly stressed. The death of my father, the entire time my mom was sick until well after she passed I was plagued with this condition that must be managed carefully. Since I have such great experience in the area I am USUALLY ok. I am able to control my body until I am able to handle the situation. But it is a non-negotiable. There is no DO I have to find a bathroom, its FIND A BATHROOM NOW.

So here I am, on the 10 freeway. Stopped and I need to find a bathroom. I have NOWHERE to go, I can’t get off, I am stuck. I speak to my instructor friend who says I am in the middle of a Sig-Alert. Freeway is CLOSED and I am on it.

This is very bad. I arrange for her to teach my class (which I can’t afford to do), call the club to let them know she will be teaching, and try wiggling around in my chair hoping my stomach pains will subside. It’s now 5:20.

I start praying… “please god get me off this freeway, I have another class to teach and I have to go the bathroom”… Still not moving, those prayers went from begging to screaming to crying to defeat. I started talking to my mother, my father… please mom and dad get me off this freeway…. I can’t poop my pants!

It is now 6:05 and I haven’t moved an inch. The cars around me are very close and I don’t have tinted windows (in case it came to that, and it felt like it just might).  I call the second club “hey I am sitting on the freeway, I might not make it to class, I will let you know”. So that would be two classes I lose for the night AND I poop my pants in the only car that we have which happens to have cloth interior. I keep thinking, this cannot be how my story goes for this day.  I will NOT be blogging about this... (haha).  God please, I KNOW you can do something.

Still not moving, still praying, starting at the clock, now I am trying to figure out how I could get home before my daughter and clean up myself and the car without her knowing what happened (IF it came to that). Needless to say, I am in bad shape. Still praying, screaming, crying… and I look up…. we are moving!!! Oh, thank you, Jesus, we are MOVING…

It is 6:18. I call the club and tell them that I will be there, I get off the freeway, run frantically into a gas station that has a bathroom line out the door (I wasn’t the only who had been sitting for hours). Race next door and beg an employee for the bathroom key, even though I was not the customer and I MADE IT TO THE BATHROOM!!

I finish my business, jump back in the car get on the freeway and arrive at my 6:30 class at 6:27… YEY ME!!

I run into the club where 20 plus students were waiting patiently, I walked over to the stereo grabbed my mic, introduced myself, (remember I am subbing someone else class) lookup and 3 people are rolling up their mats and leaving simply because I am there.

Now here’s the thing, I can teach a yoga class. I have years of education and experience and am confident in my ability. I looked up and thought.. 2.0. 2.0 2.0…

2.0 is NOT going to be affected by the ignorance and rudeness of these people. 2.0 is not going to give them a dirty look or mutter a sarcastic comment under her breath. 2.0 sat in traffic for nearly 2 hours and didn’t poop her pants. Those people can suck it.

So I taught the class, had a few hiccups here and there like when the guy next to me decided he didn’t like my class so he did his own, 2.0 didn’t even look his way.

The class was over I was exhausted, I got in my car to go home and my neighbor texts me telling me that someone had parked halfway into my driveway and I might not be able to get in. YES this again, it was a bowl night. I almost expect it. So I came home, drove over my curb to get into my driveway and called the police about the car.

At least this time I didn’t call 911.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DAY SEVEN!

Well, I did it, Blogged seven days in a row (on purpose). Now that I know I can, I probably never will do it again. Just being honest.

It was hard to take something I love to do and make it something I HAD to do. Think about that, how often in life do we do that, take the love and turn it into a chore.

Most people who truly LOVE their jobs have a great passion for what they are doing.  If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be so successful and driven. But what about when the everyday sets in, everyone at some point needs a break from whatever they are doing.

So when you need the break from the thing that you are doing that you love so much, how do you feel? (This might get deep folks.) You love your spouse and children but also need a break from them. How do you feel when you are away?

How much of our identity is wrapped up in WHAT we do, and who we LOVE, instead of who we ARE? I think its a lot, do you think it’s because most of us have no idea who we are? Who we truly are. How can we when we spend so much time DOING what we love and spending time with WHO we love?

I don’t have an answer for that, only you know what going on with you, but I encourage you to explore that in yourself. Spend some time alone and make decisions purely on what YOU want, not what might make someone else happy. Be selfish when you can, for some of us, it’s way out of our comfort zone. For others, that’s where you live, so I don’t need to tell you.

I try to remind my yoga students, and (myself) that there is no wrong way to practice yoga. Just like there is no wrong way to do life (aside from the obvious).  Everyone has their own methods, truths and set of rules. The fun part is learning about others and how to connect through our similarities, not differences. Letting others be who THEY are, as you live as YOU are, freedom at its best.

Thanks for a week of laughter and love, talk at you soon… A.K.

 

 

Day 6: Why is it so hot?

Why is it so hot? Oh, because it’s summertime in the IE….

The heat does crazy things to people, and when I say people I mean me. I can’t sleep, my sinuses are a mess and most likely I have a headache. Oh shit, I forgot not to get too boring and basic in these last few blogs.

OK… lets cut to the chase. No one looks their best if they are sleep deprived, sweaty, and going insane from staying in the house all day.

No one wants to drive their cars, when it’s over 100 degrees, outside which means the car is at least 20 more than that inside.

And no one, and I mean NO ONE should tell another person (especially a woman), that she looks exhausted, tired or anything other than beautiful, ever.

That’s it… simple and straight to the point.

And BTW if a person IS exhausted, sleep deprived, or sick… they already know they look hideous. Don’t rub it in.

And that’s day 6.

Day 5- Why are you here?

Why ARE you here? I often ask my students during an intense class. Not here like on this planet but whey are you HERE in this class RIGHT NOW? The answer is simple because they showed up. But really its more than that.

People often get up, get dressed, drive to the gym, jump into a class and never show up. What I mean by that is they either ignore the instructor completely and aren’t present at all, or they half-ass it and dial it in.

You know the ones, hell you may be one of them… Do you ever ask yourself the question why? Personally, I’m dying to know why you’d take all the steps to get there and then once you got there, you weren’t there. Get it? Some people don’t.

This way of living is not just in relation to our gym life. Many people live their lives in their own bubble, completely immune to other people and their feelings. These are the same people that think it’s acceptable to talk on the phone loudly in public or feel like yes they DO own the entire freeway, so its ALWAYS their right of way.

I really dislike these types of people.

The other night I was teaching a cycle class. One of the students in my class is a lady that I have known for YEARS, she takes my class at least twice a week and she NEVER rides with the class. NEVER. She is either on her phone or just looking around, bored perhaps. When we are in the saddle running, she is standing slow climbing and visa versa.

It used to infuriate me. I would try different ques and tactics to get her to be a part of THE GROUP EXERCISE class that she showed up to. Nothing worked. So I finally gave up, until this week.

This week I decided in my mind that I would follow everything SHE did. I watched her like a hawk, every time she stood up, we stood up, every time she slowed down so did we. Finally when she sat down picked up her phone, as usual, to start texting, so did I.

Was it the mature thing to do? No, Did she even notice was what going on? NO! After about 15 minutes of this ridiculousness, I got bored and went back to my original plan. Did anyone notice? I don’t think so.

Moral of the story: People are typically so self-absorbed that they don’t even know when they are being mocked. That is so sad to me. Whats happened to us as a society? We rarely talk to each other, make eye contact, ask someone HOW they are. What happened to actually giving a fuck about someone else other than yourself? Have we created walls so thick they will never be broken down? I hope not.

With me what you see is what you get, I am open to a fault but I am present as much possible. In order to truly enjoy life, you have to experience it, even if it hurts. If you are not present in the moment, that moment will pass you by. There are no do-overs and that time that is gone is gone forever.  

So stop, clear your mind and be where you are when you are there. Take it all in and then let it go to make room for the next thing.

No regrets, no turning back. Just take a deep breath and go on… LIVE YOUR LIFE.

Happy friday friends…

 

 

Day 4: My favorite shoes

Let’s start this story off by me telling you how much I hate to wear shoes. I really hate them so whenever I can wear flip flops of any kind I am happy. When I teach cycle or yoga or pilates I don’t have to wear workout shoes to the gym so you better believe I take advantage of that and wear the cutest non-workout shoes I can find.

That year at Christmas, my mom bought me a pair of wedge (3inch high) flip flops from BeBe. I loved those shoes. Not only were they so cute, black with BEBE in rhinestones across the straps (very fancy), but also comfortable and gave me a few inches of height which of course made me look taller and more intimidating (ok, I just made that up).

At the time I was teaching my evening classes out West… Glendora, West Covina, Walnut. My commute was a nightmare. We lived in Redlands but I drove out to those clubs every day, sometimes twice a day because that’s is where we lived prior, and classes are hard to come by.

Tuesday I taught a total of Seven (7) yes SEVEN classes. 830, 930, 1030, 12. Then I’d come home for a few hours and drive back out there for 6:30, 730, 830. I was finished with my day at 930PM and had an hour commute home. It wasn’t the best of times. My line up for that particular night was Pilates, cycle, yoga. None of which required regular shoes so of course, I was wearing my fancy BEBE’s.

I was at a club where the group exercise room was upstairs but the bathroom and everything else downstairs. It was a long walk to the bathroom so we all tried to plan our bathroom breaks with class breaks. We were 10 minutes into my first class and the lady next to me  (who I had met a few times and seemed VERY nice), started getting up and getting her shoes on. She, unlike me had worn workout shoes so we are talking, socks, shoelaces, the whole thing.  I look over and say to her “here take my shoes, it will be much faster”. Without hesitation, she stepped into my shoes and left the room.

A reasonable time later she returned, replaced my shoes and continued class. She took the next class too, once it was over, we say our goodbyes and I teach the rest of my night.

At the end of my Seventh class, I am finally ready to go home and see my daughter, who I really missed on days like this. I grabbed my shoes, put them on only to discover that my right shoe was broken. Not kinda broken, but broken broken… The middle part of the strap had been ripped right out of the shoe. I just sat there. Dumbfounded. The lady broke my shoe?

NOT only did the lady break my FAVORITE shoe but she failed to mention ANYTHING to me when she came back from the bathroom… OH, AND she took my cycle class, never said a word.

So now not only am I hurt, but I don’t have a fucking shoe…. again 3-inch wedges, hard to do with just one.

I am all the way upstairs and I have to go all the way downstairs to the parking structure to get my car.

The type of cycle shoes I wore at the time couldn’t be walked in. Well fuck, I guess I have to wear my socks.

It was a very long walk… through the gym down the stairs outside into the parking structure which I am sure my car was parked at the top level. Those socks didn’t stand a chance, I tossed them in the trash as soon as I got into my car.

As I was driving home, I couldn’t stop thinking of the lady and what stopped her from having the common courtesy of telling me she broke my shoe? She knew she broke it….. Dumbfounding.

Moral of the story, don’t let anyone EVER borrow your favorite shoes!!!

 

 

Day 3: making amends

 

Last week I was at work, minding my business as usual (lol), and I was approached by another Fitness instructor whom I’ve known for years but am not really friends with.

She is an interesting character, years of hard life and wayyyyy too many hours in a tanning bed has cast an orangish tone to her skin. I am not sure of her actual age, but I am sure it’s much younger than she looks because of the sagging skin and outdated workout attire. (Not passing judgement, just stating facts). Her makeup is always all over her face and hair unruly. You know the type. Anyway, this woman has taken my class off and on for years. Being that I don’t know her, I didn’t really have any opinions or given her much thought other than to warn her to stay out of the sun, but its way too late for that.

So, she comes up to me with her eyes looking down as if she was ashamed, now I am really confused. Then the word vomit “I am so sorry for all the things I’ve done to you in the past, I am trying to work my program but sometimes fall short in my effort to stay sober”. HUH? She continues “You are an excellent instructor (yes I know), and I never gave you a fair shot or gave you enough credit”. Still confused. “And I just want to apologize for all the terrible things I’ve said about you and done to you over the past few years”. Wait, what? I finally look at her and say ” I don’t have a problem with you, I never have”. She responses “Oh but I hated you, and now that I look back I realized I just hated myself” duh. I said its all good, no harm no foul. She continues on and on and on…. “I am sorry for telling people you suck” thanks, “I am sorry that I started rumors about you that weren’t true” oh that was YOU. “I am sorry for complaining about you and your class to the manager when you did nothing wrong…I am just sorry for everything”. Now there are tears and she is trying to hug me. Oh boy.

In reality, this person NEVER took up space in my head. I couldn’t be mad at her now if I didn’t even know she had done such things in the past, right? Right, says the voice of compassion that dominates my astrological sign.

So I gave her a hug, assured her everything was fine between us and walked away.

Then I started to think about what she had said… I wish I could tell you it didn’t bother me. But that would be a lie. I understood her need to apologize so that SHE felt better but she basically handed me the baton and said here you go, now you process this.

People are funny, they act without thinking, hurt without caring, and then when their lives turn to shit they reflect on their own actions and try to fix them by admitting them.

Only it doesn’t fix them, does it? She might feel better, but now I can’t stop wondering how many time I was “talked to” or watched by management because of her false claims?

It is crazy that I work in an industry that someone else’s issues can result in disciplinary measures when the person has literally done NOTHING wrong.

And it’s not just my industry, its all areas of service. The Customer is NOT always right, in fact sometimes they are crazy. We are conditioned over and over again to appease them and sacrifice our own selves. It’s not okay.

It didn’t take much time to get over it but it did make me think. I do try my best not to complain about other people and just live my life. I do slip however, we all do. Just do me a favor, next time you want to complain about how awful someone else is, look at yourself first.

Happy Hump day everyone….. we made through day 3.