It seems like forever since I’ve blogged… Probably because it kinda has. I started this blog a year ago to somehow get the word out that I was trying to break into the world of writing. I dream I’ve had my entire life. But after a few short months of funny stories and life lessons, my life took an unexpected turn and my blogs became less frequent and were mostly about my Mother, her failing health, and ultimately her passing.
I need to get back on track…. although the blog was a great tool for me to get information out about my mom and was cathartic at times, it was not created to be a forum for me to reveal all my sad sad thoughts. I created it to make you laugh and think. So let’s get back to business.
Over the course of a year, I have had many reactions to this blog, mostly positive, but it also opened the door for unwanted opinions of me from people whose thoughts of me I could give a shit. Interesting how you open up a little part of yourself to the world and some people take that as an invitation to tell you all the things they think about you. Ya, I didn’t ask but thanks….not.
For example “you are a nightmare in person, but you are SUCH a good writer”…. um thanks? “In real life, you are ALOT but when I read your blog it is so perfectly articulated” wow you must’ve really thought about that one. The backhanded compliments go on and on. Funny, I’ve never asked anyone what they thought of my blog, probably for that very reason. Words are heavy, they hurt and can stay with you forever if you let them, so why are people so irresponsible in what they say? Just because it might not hurt YOUR feelings what makes you think it won’t hurt mine? Or do you care? and who asked you anyway?? (Not me, that’s for sure).
As I emerge from the destruction that has been the past 7 months or so in my life I look at things differently. I truly learned so much about people, the world and myself that I have renamed myself 2.0. I often speak of myself in the third person just to remind others and me that I have evolved and am now a better version of the old me, thus the 2.0 status. Does that mean anything? Not really. Have I really changed? Maybe a little. I have definitely grown up, something I didn’t realize I was avoiding until I was thrown into actually being a single mom. I thought I was a single mom before because I didn’t have a male co-parent. But I had something so much better, my mom, as my co-parent. Now I have neither. It is scary and sad and satisfying all at the same time. I fuck up more than I ever have in my life. But when I have a good day and do everything right, the win is all mine.
I have learned to look inward for my answers, and stop blaming others for my failures. To do something every day that scares me or that I don’t want to do, because life isn’t all about what I want. I remind myself that NOTHING is forever and this feeling won’t always be here. Every day I wake up a little lighter, with more feelings of hope than sadness. And every day I still get up.
Funny how now that the long list of things to do is getting smaller, my life is filling with laughter and funny stories again. I was worried that I’d never laugh the same or that the crazy things that used to happen to me would never again. I was scared that my life took a permanent turn into boring and pitiful…. but I was wrong. My life will always be something that would be a great reality show, simply because I am in it.
As I push away the sadness and clear out the pain, I find myself again… only 2.0 is so much better…. Now if I could only figure out HOW to parent a teenager… I’d really be good… The Karma my father promised I’d have is in full swing and I am sure he and my mother are watching over me laughing their asses off…. as they should be. I deserve it.
Stay tuned, crazy stories and shit talking is on the horizon….
With love, laughter, and hope, 2.0