Maybe my father was right, maybe people don’t change. For as long as I can remember every time a person disappointed me, or I disappointed him, he would say the same thing… “people don’t change”. Honestly, I never wanted to believe it then and I still don’t want to believe it now, even if it is true, to an extent.
2.0 is the persona I named myself in the months after my mothers passing. 2.0 was everything I wasn’t. I had been through hell and back and had a different perspective on everything. I was eager to leave some of my bad habits in the past and live life as a better, happier person.
Nothing bothered me while I was in 2.0 mode. Things that used to drive me crazy no longer did and my overall personality was much more low key and chill in my new mindset.
2.0 was driven by love and the necessity to get things done because I had to. Fear no longer paralyzed my every move. I was able to navigate through situations with a newfound freedom. 2.0 didn’t have any baggage or issues and found humor again.
One morning I was driving to work taking my personal inventory….. what? Oh come on.. NONE of you do that? Well, you should… it is very enlightening. Anyway, I was going through the checks and balances of my life and current mental state and decided that it was time to start dating. Truth be told that is as far as it got… Still not dating. But the point is that I was progressing even if it was in my own mind. I was thinking about my future and picturing how it would look with someone in it. Then I got sacred.
Slowly but surely, I started to find myself thinking things that only pre-2.0 would think…. The non-filtered brutally honest sharp-tongued things that I had been thinking all my life. Damn it. I thought I had changed.
But I did change! Or did I? Is 2.0 the person I want to be or the person I AM? I can spin on that for days, but I think its kind of like a pendulum swinging… back and forth until it settles right in the middle. I can still think the brutally honest unfiltered thoughts about others and myself, but I don’t have to share those thoughts or opinions. They are JUST thoughts and opinions. Nothing more. Who really cares what I think anyway, right?
2.0 may not be the “whatever” persona I was but that doesn’t mean that I can’t evolve. Someone that looks like me, and feels like me but isn’t carrying around all the fear and anger that causes the judgment and un-kind behavior. I still think my raw sense of humor is funny even though a lot of people don’t. I don’t think that will change. And I still cry with compassion for people I don’t even know, I don’t want that to change.
I feel the pendulum still swinging but slowing down, I think I might find my true self in all of this soul searching. I just pray I am strong enough to love myself and accept who I am. The good, the bad and the 2.0.