Ok yes, it has been six months almost to the day since my last blog. What happened? I really don’t know, who even cares really. And how cliche that during this time in our lives I start to blog again. Ya ok whatever, I’ve got time now, lots of it.
When this whole thing started, this pandemic, I didn’t take it as seriously as maybe I should have. Then I lost my job. Then my daughter lost the rest of her junior year in high school. Then we were told that all school activities including prom and having graduation ceremonies were canceled. Okay, this is serious and scary, and awful.
Just like most of the world, I want to rebel. Go out. Do all the things I never did when I could, except now I can’t. Sometimes I feel like a three-year-old wanting to throw a temper tantrum but what would that do? The biggest struggle I think for me and most of the general population is feeling, and honestly being completely out of control. We are constantly being told what we can and can’t do. With a society that is so independant and self-serving, it doesn’t sit well. The instinct to fight or retreat sets in. The reality is we can’t do much, except try to keep moving forward and stay out of the dark, away from the fear.
The fact that our lives will never be the same haunts some of us. I am finding myself faced with the challenge of leaving my old life, my old job and being forced to move in a different direction. That’s both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Maybe it is time. Maybe it is meant to be. I can’t tell because my mind is so full of thoughts and what if’s that they keep drowning each other out. I have a cheer squad of voices inside my head telling me how to feel, what to do, where to go, how to be. What’s real? None of it? All of it? Why do I feel stuck? Alone? Afraid?…..Exhausting isn’t it?
As I re-read this blog I almost hit the delete button. But I won’t. I will publish it to prove to myself that I can. I can do this. And if I can, you can. Yes, it sucks and every day is the same, but different, and it seems like each time you open an email or read the news it gets worse. But what’s the alternative? Giving up? Giving in to the fear? The misery? Don’t. Do not let the darkness take you. Get out of your own way and move. Move into the light, and don’t forget to breathe.
If I can you can.