The wait

“N-now th- that don’t kill me, Can only make me stronger. I need you to hurry up now ’cause I can’t wait much longer. I know I got to be right now.  Cause I can’t get much wronger. Man, I’ve been waiting all night now. That’s how long I’ve been on ya..I need you right now. Harder, better, faster, stronger….”

“But I know God put YOU in front of me, so how the hell could you front On me. There are thousands of you’s there’s only one of me. I’m Trippin I’m caught up in a moment, right.  We will do everything that Kan like and won’t do anything until the time is right.”- Stronger- Kanye West

I recently heard Devon Franklin interviewed on Ryan Seacrest’s show. I was immediately drawn to him and his philosophies.  He spoke about preparing ourselves for what we want in life. And that the only things we could control was how ready we were for those situations, and then how we dealt with them once they came into fruition.  He used his wife actress Meagan Good as an example.  She wanted to be cast as a superhero in a movie but her body type doesn’t scream badass. Devon suggested that she start to workout prior to ever auditioning for superhero roles, so when that call came and she walked into an audition for a badass bitch… she looked like one (my words not his).

I came home and told my mom about the interview.  She went to our local library and brought home the book that Devon and Meagan wrote together called The Wait. Its a book on how they as a couple waited to sleep together before getting married and a breakdown on why it is such an effective tool.

I am very transparent about my social life (we all know I don’t have one) which includes a sex life. So although this book is amazing and full of great information, waiting to have sex with my imaginary boyfriend isn’t exactly haunting me on a daily basis.

Most of the time I am ok with it. You get busy, I’m active. One year turns to two and now we are at……. well let’s say it’s been awhile. And like I said most days I don’t even think about it, but there are those days when Ill see a couple at the mall holding hands and kissing and think hmmmmmm, a man in my life would be nice.

One particular morning I was already in a sad, why me, I’m hideous and no one will ever love me mood. It was early and I was standing in line for coffee (this time at the coffee bean). The lady in front of me was dressed as if she were going out for cocktails and clearly hadn’t checked her hair before she left the house.  When she went to order to the hard of hearing barista and said loudly ” I just want a coffee to go. Can you believe this, I spent the night with a guy I met last night and I woke up to discover he did not own a coffee pot?!”  No, no, no, not today, I thought. The deaf bartisa then asks her if she wants something to eat. “No, I just want my morning cup of coffee because the guy didn’t even own a coffee pot”. Please shut up….I was thinking… at least you got some last night. “I had to get off the freeway on my way home just to get a cup of coffee”. Bitch shut up... I almost said as I grown out loud….and roll my eyes. Finally, the old deaf barista brings the loud mouth her coffee, she turns around and I am face to face with…. A MUSTACHE!!. Not a man dressed as a woman, but a woman that clearly had no regard for facial grooming. A  mustache!! I’m speechless, the mustache lady had no problem getting some action while here I am too many years celibate.

When I got to the gym and told the story with vocal inflections and all, my members and I  laughed and laughed….So there is always a positive in any situation. And in case you are wondering…. I’m still waiting. But Ladies please….. handle your facial hair!!

To one of my dearest friends who doesn’t have a mustache, but always makes me laugh, Lori Williams ! Love, A.K.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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​​Okay okay okay okay OKAY​

Friday I was having a day, everything made me cry. I would’ve won the academy award in Extra if they had such a category. So I took the evening off work and sat down to write.

I wrote the best blog to date. I was to the point, insightful​, spot on. As I was writing, I was truly understanding where all these emotions were coming from. It was like a therapy session and blog entry combined. Three hours and many edits later I complete the masterpiece…. I am one second from posting and I accidentally​ swiped right on my mouse. I look at my screen, the blog is GONE. I panicked​, of course,​ and tried to figure out what the hell happened.
Long story short… I have NO IDEA and I haven’t been able to recover the data.

Just Breathe. Let it go. It wasn’t meant to be. Fuck that, I was devastated​.

Two days later, I’m​ back on my computer ready to open myself up and look at why I lost my shit. The truth is I don’t handle disappointment well, and I was disappointed.

My daughter feels that I place unrealistic expectations on other people and am disappointed when they don’t live up to them. She is right, but here is the real: I place unrealistic expectations on MYSELF and then project them onto others. It’s not a good look. But it explains a lot. Once I realized that​ I have been working very hard on modifying​ my behavior and changing the way I think about others and mostly about myself.

Being honest with your self is hard. At a young age, ​we create ideas of WHO we should be instead of embracing who we ARE. Maybe its the influence of another person, a living situation, the media… everyone is different. But Mask off, who do you see?

Personally, I had convinced​ myself that If I wanted to be a badass bitch, a strong woman, that I had to control my emotions. I never cried, never showed weakness. In crisis, I was a beast, nothing could break me. Once the crisis was over, then I fell apart. See, we can’t be strong all the time. Who says we have to be? Being vulnerable and transparent​ are scary things to be but are also freeing. And who doesn’t want to feel free?

You’d ​be surprised… change is hard and if you have lived your life a certain way for any period of time it is going to be uncomfortable to rewire yourself and be any different than you were.

But what’s the alternative? Continuing​ to be unhappy? Maybe you aren’t​, maybe you are content in the way your life is going. But as we grow older​​ and wiser we realize that our old ways are no​ longer working. As we continually​ evolve as people shouldn’t we also let go of the things that are holding us down? The fear that is preventing us from moving forward? Honestly, what could be so bad with tearing down those walls, letting yourself feel, even if hurts? At least now you are​ able to live in your truth.

Sounds pretty good to me.

“We gotta make a change. Its time for us as a people to start making some changes. Let’s change the way we eat, let’s​ change the way we live, and let’s change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn’t working so it on us to do what we gotta do, to survive”

“That’s just the way it is. Things will never be the same. That’s just the way it is. Aww yeah” 2Pac- changes

Be You​ even if people don’t understand or like it, that’s their problem… this is YOUR life.

Carry on…. A.K.

P.S.A.

“This is a public service announcement………”

“Fellow Americans it is with the utmost pride and sincerity that I present this recording, as a living testament and recollection, of history in the making during our generation”

“Allow me to reintroduce myself my name is HOV….. H to the OV.”

“Now before I finish let me just say, I did not come here to show out, I did not come here to impress you” Because to tell you the truth when I leave here I’m gone!  And I don’t care what you think about me but just remember, when the shit hits the fan brother, whether its next year, ten years, twenty years back,  you’re never gonna be able to say I that lied to you Jack”

“I gotta a hustlers spirit, check out my hat yo, peep the way I wear it. Check out my swag yo, I walk like a ballplayer.  No matter where you go, you are what you are player.  And you can try to change that but that’s just top layer. Man, you was who you was before you got here. Only God can judge me, so I’m gone. Either love me or leave me alone”

That is top 5 Favorite JayZ songs… Why? Did you read the lyrics???

I have found in this life so many people who are constantly fronting (Put on a fake or false personality, NOT keeping it real). 

The reason question is WHY? I find it refreshing (although I’m in the minority it seems,) to be around people who are transparent and honest. Honest with themselves and honest with me. What the hell is so scary about the truth? I’d much rather someone just tell me the truth  I don’t like you (whats not to like, but whatever)  or you talk too much (and……??) than turning that simple truth into something big and dramatic and uncalled for.

Here’s the kicker: Most people don’t truly know the people they claim not to like…..ahhhhh. So why in the hell are they making a character assessment on simple behaviors that they may or may not even understand? Those behaviors may be different than yours but is it your job to judge that person based on what you see or hear? No.

Nobody likes me….. Hahahaha, well maybe a few people do but I have a lot of haters. Why? I’m not really sure because the people who do not like me DO NOT KNOW ME. They make an assumption about who I am without even getting to know me. In their defense, I do have my walls up most of the time. Mostly because I’ve been dealing with this shit for it seems like ever.

For Example: The Starbucks lady.  This woman doesn’t even know my name or anything about me but goes out of her way every time I see her be nasty and rude. Why? Because One day I passed the check out line and went straight to the bar to pick up the drink THAT I HAD ORDERED AHEAD. She screamed at me “There are 10 people ahead of you” I just looked at her, picked up my drink, turned on my heel, swung my long blonde pony and walked out. Not my fault she doesn’t use the app. A few days later I see her again standing near the bar hands on her hips literally blocking my way, this time the pony was light brown,( I wanted you to have the full visual). I walked up to her and say “excuse me Wonder Woman” (don’t forget she was standing with her hands on hips and legs in wide stance), and picked up my drink. She was livid but speechless. As I walked out, I said good morning and thank you to each barista by name. I am almost at the door when I hear her yell… bitch! I turned around gave her the long look, long enough for people to stop their conversations, I’m sure they were wondering if there was about to be a girl fight right there in their local Starbucks. I just rolled my eyes and kept it moving. The very next day I tried to order my coffee but the app was down, I saw her car in the parking lot and thought great here we go. I walked into the store and she yells from the other end “THE APP ISNT WORKING NOW YOU HAVE TO STAND IN LINE” I’m thinking, this bitch… but I say nothing walk to get in line. My favorite barista came around the counter and handed me my drink that was already ready (on the house). Aint karma a bitch. I purposely walked past her with my drink to get a straw, she was huffing and puffing to anyone who would listen. I turned to her smiled and said: “have a GREAT day” she looked at me and said “oh fuck off”…. the only sound in that store after that was the sound of my laughter as I walked out.

(I just read that to my daughter, she laughed. It’s a miracle!)

Anyway, back to the point, what was the point? oh ya… don’t be so quick to judge or dislike someone. It takes up so much unnecessary energy, and they might actually be a cool person that may make you laugh or be a great friend. Sometimes we find the most beautiful souls are just a little more hidden than the rest. Be open. Be kind..treat others the way YOU want to be treated… it’s as simple as that.

keep it real… A.K.

 

 

Game Day!

“Check it out. One, two, three. In this place to be its plain to see…..”

“She was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, the way she clicked her heels and threw her fist in the sky,…..too tight.”

“whoa-oh-oh she’s the cutest thing in the world, oh yea…….oh whoa-oh-oh she’s my lil- hipster girl-” LMFAO.

The first game of the season!! I LOVE game day. Not because I like football, or sitting in the stands or even because I have school spirit.

I love game day because I get to watch my daughter cheer. Yes, I am slightly extra when it comes to her but we’ve had some pretty low lows so to watch her in her element: Happy, confident…… shining. It brings me such joy.  And yes I cry, every time I see her cheer I cry. Tears of joy, because I am so proud of her and tears of sadness because with every game another week goes by… time that is moving way too fast. Soon she will be cheering on Friday nights as a Varsity cheerleader and then…. its over. The four years of high school are gone. Ok, I’m skipping ahead, but shit it seemed like yesterday was the first day of kindergarten…….

She ran to the classroom excited to meet new friends, never once did she look back. She had on a new outfit, a new backpack and was looking and feeling very cute. She was all about school, mostly the social aspects, but no matter… she was happy. Happy to be there and a part of something new. I stood at the window looking in and you guessed it.. cried.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was in shock because I was told I could never have children and honestly never really wanted any. But then once I told her dad and everyone else I knew, it became real. I remember thanking God daily for trusting me with one of his angels and soaking it in everyday as life grew inside me. I prayed for a boy, mostly because of my own strained relationship with my mother. I wasn’t sure how well I’d deal with a little girl wearing dresses and spinning around with bows in her hair (remember I wear workout clothes most of the time).

I loved being pregnant. Aside from the constant fighting with my soon to be husband I had not one problem. I was grown (33) so ready to settle down and really dig into motherhood. As it turned out her dad wasn’t. So looking back,  the single parenting started when I was pregnant. Even though we did get married, and then divorced. I’ve always really been a single mom. Its always been my lil hipster girl and me.

When I found out I was having a girl, I cried… again. Then I became determined to raise her the way my father raised me. Starting with naming her a boys name, I knew she’d be special and I wanted her to stand out from the jump.  Walking AND talking at 8 months didn’t give me much time to learn how to parent an infant, but I did my best. I told her I loved her a million times a day and glory to God we formed a bond that still is a force stronger than anything. She went everywhere with me, she is still my favorite companion.

I remember picking her up from my mom’s house one day and my mom saying “she is so in love with you” and I replied, “I am so in love with her”.  In the insanity of life, what else is there but love? It beats the shit out of fear. And drives me to be better every single day. Not just for her, but for me. I want to be prepared so if she comes to me (which she usually still does) for advice, I have something to help and guide her. Something that makes sense that she can learn from.

My love for her has kept me sober and strong. I am who I am today because of this little girl who gave me the courage to get up and get out when my marriage became unhealthy. The strength to beat a nasty cocaine addiction before it ruined both of our lives. The push I needed to follow my dreams and start this blog. See when I say she is everything, she really is.

One game day down, and as always she was perfect, she will always be perfect to me.

“Sometimes, these walls seem to cave in on me. When I look in your eyes, I feel alive. Some days, we say words that don’t mean a thing. But when you’re holding me tight, I feel alive”

“Make it last forever, come on baby, won’t you hold on to me, hold on to me. You and I together, come on baby, won’t you hold onto me, hold onto me”

“We gotta hold on, I gotta hold on. You’ve got to hold on, you’ve got a hold on me.”

“We gotta hold on, I gotta hold on. You’ve got to hold on, you’ve got a hold on me””

“you and I forever”-Blue-Beyonce’

Dedicated to my favorite daughter, the love of my life and the pain in my ass….

A.K.

The power of the pony

“Them old mistakes are gone, I won’t do them no more. That’s old news, there’s new news, I done did that before. My lessons made blessings. Less talkin’ more action you just goin’…. CiCi coming.’

“Fake friends get dropped like weight, Team love don’t want no hate. I’m grinding, I’m shining. up, up, up, I’m on my way.”

“Thank god I never settled this view is way much better I’m chillin, I’m winnin’ like on another level. Oh, you can talk all you want.  Level up. Level up. Level up.

See me….I see greater. Nothin’ I’m afraid of hater, and ya I can have it all’…Ciara- Level up

I want to start this blog by confessing that whenever I close my eyes and imagine myself…. I look like Ciara… not sure why but In my mind’s eye…. Ciara.

I feel the overwhelming need to share with you my greatest discovery in building self-esteem, overcoming obstacles, and feeling like a boss…The Fake Ponytail. Now, if you know me you know that unless my hair is braided or I am feeling extra natural, I am wearing one of my 24 (yes you read that right) fake ponytails. They range in color and style but they all have one thing in common… the ability to make me look polished and cute. All the while getting attention from men and woman like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

Over the years I’ve had long hair, short hair… every color imaginable. Extensions weaves, braids… you name it I’ve had it. I’ve always kept it cute for me, and for the line of work I am in.  Nobody is inspired by busted and crusty- but I do work out for a living so my hair has to be somewhat conducive to my lifestyle of sweat and spandex.

I wore my hair in various types and styles of braids for almost a year so I decided to take a break from the braid life. I wasn’t really feeling my own hair, and at this point, a wig is out of the question. Tried it. Epic fail. So here I am getting ready for my daughter’s cheer banquet and drive by the hair store. You know the beauty supply where you buy your hair for braiding or extensions. Up until that day I had ignored the giant neon sign saying “ponytails” because I thought ehh.  Well, this day I had to do something to look cute for the banquet and make the other cheer moms hate me even more and gain cool points from the rest of the squad. My daughter could care less how I look because shes consumed with her own reflection, which most teenagers are. But her friends think I’m kind of amazing.

I walk over to the ponytail section a choose a long-dark brown ponytail curled like a contestant for a beauty pageant would wear and say what the hell, I’ll try it. I go home slick my own hair back pop on the pony and head over to the banquet. As soon as I walk in I feel like there is a spotlight on me as heads turn to see who this raven-haired beauty is. I see the disappointment in their faces once they realize it just me. But hear squeals of delight by the cheer squad as I walk over…”omg your hair is soooo cute, I love your pony”. the compliments were endless. Feeling very cute I go back to my table and received a facetime call from my ex-husband. Now I have a strict no face timing rule without the proper lighting and filter but this night I made an exception. I take the call. “Whoa you look amazing,” says X-2, “Oh thanks,” I say coyly, “whats going on’? He proceeds to ramble on about something and then says “hey send me a picture of you tonight, you look really good” (he’s so self-absorbed he didn’t realize I was wearing 18 inches of fake hair).  I never did send him the picture btw… I do have some self-respect.

Fast forward to the next morning, I’m going to wear my pony to teach because although it is a little pageant-like I still rock the shit out of it.

I go to Starbucks just like everyother day, A gentleman opens the door for me and then asks me if he can buy my coffee (its the pony). I walk into my cycle room and see the same students I see every day, Two of my regular guys look at me like I’ve just transformed into Ciara and say wow I love your hair…… ( pony). The double takes and compliments just kept coming. I couldn’t believe that a stupid ponytail was getting me so much positive attention and more importantly why did it take me so long to discover this??

I have never felt so cute…. who knew a ponytail could bring such power?  I go out into the fields and start collecting ponytails. I order them online, I go to every hair store in the valley…… I now have many many ponies. With each pony I feel a different way, the straight ones are more polished, the blonde more fun and the dark ones mysterious. I can completely change my look and my personality with one small element. I even went as far as to buy a pink one and a mermaid teal (those are fan favorites in my silver sneakers seniors class).

I was desperate to get one of my Managers to notice me…. insert the pony, I bopped by his office (like I do everytime I’m in the club) this time wearing a sassy long light brown number… his response “poppin”…yaaaaaaaaa

At one point I was getting to know I guy I met online, (that’s a blog in of itself) he asked me WHY I wore the fake ponytail…. at first I was amazed at the question…..I mean come on really? Then I just deleted his number, I mean if he didn’t get it there was no use in furthering the relationship.

In reality, what makes us feel cute translates into every area of our lives. It may sound superficial to some, but I have found that when a woman feels attractive she is more confident and motivated and it transcends into all facets of her life.  Why do you think Kylie Jenner is so rich? She sells not only an image of beauty but the products to help you get there. Try this, find a girl whose hair is busted and is wearing wrinkled clothes…. ask her how her day is going…. and then be prepared to run.

Bottom line.. you do you,  if you feel comfortable au natural I applaud you, be organic but if you are feeling a little basic and need a pick me up… Level up.

With love and fun, A.K.

 

love…..

“When I’m alone in my room, Sometimes I stare at the wall and at the back of my mind I hear my conscious call, telling me I need a boy as sweet as a dove, for the first time in my life I see I need love. There I was giggling about the games that I had played with many hearts and I’m not sayin’ no names. Then the thought occurred, teardrops made my eyes burn as I said to myself when am I gonna learn  ” Amanda Blank.

Well, Amanda, LL said it first but we get the idea.

Love, everyone has a feeling about it, a different definition and now we all have “love languages” that vary from person to person. Something that should be simple has gotten very complicated. But love isn’t complicated, is it?

I don’t think I really understood and felt unconditional love until I had my daughter.  I was on my second marriage and had many relationships and “lovers”, but it wasn’t until my relationship with my daughter grew and I became a mother did I truly understand LOVE.  People say there are different types of love….. right now I don’t feel that. Maybe its because I haven’t felt “romantic” love in over 13 years and I’ve forgotten how it feels? Or maybe because love is love and you can feel it from more than one person in more than one way.

Full disclosure I am currently watching Bachelor in paradise and just finished watching my very first season of the bachelorette so my mind might be tainted just a bit. 

So here I stand, very single. I don’t spend any time curled up in the fetal position crying over lost loves and the thought of dating sounds fun. But I am also not putting myself out there…. really (Although, I did go on several online dating sites….for like a week).

The problem is is that I don’t have a problem with being single.  It’s everyone around me that can’t stand it.  As if I am a leper or heartless because I am not actively seeking someone to be “hanging out” with (which really means sleeping with). Truth be told, up until very recently, I haven’t had the time or energy that’s required to have a romantic relationship.  When I am not working,  I am chasing the affection and stalking my 15-year-old.  But that is getting boring, and now she is carrying the burden of leaving me alone. I don’t want that for her. I never wanted to expose her to an unhealthy relationship, unfortunately, that turned out she was never exposed to ANY relationship. Funny thing is, that girl is fine, she has found love and has figured out how to be in a relationship all by herself. Guess she didn’t need me for that.

So now what do I do? Join every online dating site? No, that didn’t feel right to me. Go out every weekend searching for my soulmate? I feel like I did that in my 20’s… Truth be told, I believe in fate and that I will meet someone organically when I least expect it… Yes, I realize I am a dinosaur.

What if we just love ourselves and the lives we’ve built, then will love come? Or have we made it impossible to make room for something that requires everything? I do not have the answer to that but I will keep believing in fate. If I don’t then I am afraid of who I will become….. You know, that bitter bitch that can’t be happy for anyone else because she can’t love herself. And whats not to love? I’m fun, funny, and smart (not just my opinion by the way). I have a lot of love to give and yes would like to be loved in return…. Gonna throw it out in the universe… let’s see what comes back.

“Although I always reminisce, I can’t believe that I found a desire for true love floating around inside my soul. Because my soul is cold, one half deserves to be this way until I’m old, but the other half needs affection and joy and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy….I need love”

Love ya A.K.

Nice for what?

Be nice. God, I hate that term, what if I don’t want to be nice? It’s easier to draw people with honey than hot sauce… is that the term? No, but you understand what I mean. We are currently living in a world of ugly.  Kindness and common courtesy are quickly fading as people interact less with each other and more with their devices. I guess your phone doesn’t care if you say hello, your laptop doesn’t give a shit if you smile or say thank you.

I work in an industry that forces me to talk to, motivate, and be nice to people all day long. It’s exhausting. I want to be nice, encouraging and interested all the time but the reality of it is…. I don’t care that much. Let me rephrase that. I CANT care. I can’t care because if I do I will have nothing left to give for the people who do mean something to me. It’s not fair to my daughter or my imaginary boyfriend if I’ve used all my “niceness” on strangers who don’t give a shit about me. We only have so much of us to give away. Unfortunately, most of us overextend ourselves, give it all away, and then get mad when we feel exhausted at the end of the day.

It a vicious cycle that we create for ourselves. But how do we manage it? Fuck if I know honestly, but I do watch people who seem to have balance in their lives and see one common denominator…. the ability to say no. For some of us, that sound is like nails on a chalkboard…. SAY NO?! Risk the potential that someone won’t like me?? News flash they probably don’t like you anyway….. most people just know who they can manipulate and don’t really care who the person that is stupid enough to do what they want.

It’s sad, we sit on our couches and watch other peoples lives unfold on reality shows. They become addicting because we either want to have their lives or are grateful that that ISNT our life. I am as guilty as the next person, trolling the internet seeing what mistakes other people are making so that I can justify my own. Acting as if I know these people that I follow every day while wondering what it would be like to be them for just one day.

And then reality hits…. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. As much as there are days that I want to stay in bed and not speak to another human, that’s not gods plan for me. At least not for today. For today I will keep on keeping on and be true to myself no matter how the people around me want to behave. It’s not personal, it FEELS personal but I promise you we are all just trying to get through this life. To be happy, feel joy, and be free. So if you work in any area of service remember,  you CHOSE that job. There is something inside of you that wants to reach out, make a difference and connect with others. No it’s not easy, but it is worth it…. isn’t it?

“That’s the real one in your reflection, without a follow, without a mention, you really pipin’ up* on these niggas you gotta, be nice for what, to these niggas?”-Drake

*getting stronger and more successful, particularly on your own with no help from anybody else- 

Keep your chin up, stay strong, and sleep well knowing you are one of the good ones, wanting to make a difference….

A.K.